[the last few days haven't been easy, but stahn's been doing his best to try and give leon space. partially, it's because of the touch situation—leon hasn't told him whether or not things were still strange about his urges.
of course, he hasn't given leon much of a chance to do so, either. while trying to get his own thoughts in order and figure out just how he feels about what happened with the robots and his own responsibilities... well, he's been pretty selfish. because as ever, without someone to pull him out from his own head, stahn tends to get kind of lost. there will come a time when his resolve is better, when he's better at being the hero he should be and will eventually become.
but even with pep talks from rutee, dymlos and even leon... there's still more things he needs to experience, things from their own world that can push his motivation over the edge to a completely immovable strength. until that time comes? there's a lot of ebb and flow to how he copes with things.
today, it's by sitting on the sofa, listlessly flipping through the channels while leon isn't around. he's not really doing it to watch tv, he's doing it more so because it's a mindless action while he tries to figure out how he can make this up to leon and his other friends who got caught in the middle of this.]
[It's a relief when things snap back to normal. It's nothing he notices immediately, but...it does sink in eventually that he isn't thinking about physical touch or affection anymore. He's...back to his usual self, isn't he?
However, there's another problem as well--and that's that he's been cooped up like this for too long. Between the robot disasters and the way that they're listlessly like this now... Leon's not happy about it. So now that he doesn't think he'll make any poor life choices (like reaching for Stahn's hand), he stalks out of his bedroom and over to the couch.
[naturally, leon appearing from practically nowhere and making demands of him takes stahn a bit by surprise.
not because he isn't used to leon being that way, but they've barely spoken at all these last few days. his attempts to give leon space in addition to everything they were feeling after killing the robots led to that. so the last thing he's expecting right now is for leon to make demands.]
We are? [well, he does sit up a little straighter, but he's also giving leon a look. because... what? did they have plans? why is he being so bossy right now?]
[Yes, that...that explains a lot. But Leon's just standing before the couch (which is closer than he's stood to Stahn in quite some time now), arms crossed, foot tapping.
Let's go.]
We have spent too much time cooped up in here, doing nothing. I am tired of this atmosphere.
[stahn notices that, but he also notices the impatience. so stahn agrees without much of a fight, though he also doesn't look particularly excited about it like he normally would be.
clearly, this has affected them a lot more than either of them cares to admit. but stahn will still pull himself to his feet, still keeping a bit of distance and giving leon a curious look.]
...Are you feeling better now? [about his.. touch urges, at least. that's the implication here.]
[Instant, immediate, but...also sincere enough. He's fine, and he's feeling more like himself, which is why Leon can ever come this close without bristling at all.]
[it's a statement he means sincerely, even if that melancholy still hangs in his voice. it's less to do with what leon is saying and more what stahn has been feeling, but he's not thinking much about it himself.
instead, stahn is pulling himself to his feet.]
Is there somewhere you wanted to go? [he shifts the topic back to what leon initially propositioned him for—there's no reason to dwell on that other topic; he knows leon doesn't want to talk about that, anyway.]
[He's glad he's "feeling better" (or, rather, more like himself) too, but he's definitely not going to bring that up. Instead, he glances at Stahn, before looking away, making a quiet huffing noise under his breath without much in the way of vitriol.]
Not as such, no.
[You're being propositioned for a walk, Stahn.
Just a walk.
It's literally so aimless and anti-Leon, and yet here he is, offering up the suggestion while shifting uncomfortably, arms crossed defensively and not meeting Stahn's eyes.]
[it's definitely weird, but... stahn isn't going to say no. and he's not going to call out how weird it is because...
well, leon is trying, isn't he? after everything that happened and how hard things have been for them, he's still taking the first step to try and fix things. he may not know what to do (and it shows), but it speaks volumes to stahn in every way imaginable.
there's a small smile that tugs at the corner of his mouth, because this is it. this is one of those times when stahn feels so justified in why he always staunchly believed in leon. this is why he's always called leon his best friend, and why even when the king of seinegald had labeled him a traitor, stahn still knew that leon was a good person who acted with purpose.
he isn't sure what will happen, or if this will somehow fix things... but it's a start, so stahn can't refuse it.]
That's fine. Wherever you go... I'll follow, then. [which really just means he'll let leon lead the walk, despite whatever meaning it may sound like otherwise.]
[That sounds like the most dramatic declaration in the world, Stahn... Leon just quirks an eyebrow at that, though he'll immediately turn on his heel to start walking then. It's... just a walk!! Who knows if this will fix anything.
But...at least it's a start, right? And it will get them out of this stifling atmosphere, which is important too.
Leon doesn't break the silence until they've hit the Cerealian sidewalks, and then, finally, he offers up a quiet--]
The amount of destruction caused by these robots is impressive. I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that yours were not prone to destructive tendencies.
[it's really not veery good small talk at all, but once again... stahn can recognize that leon is trying here. even with the quiet awkwardness that still hangs in the air until that silence is broken, it counts for something.
he knows it counts for something, so stahn himself has to try. he can't leave this all in leon's hands, especially when it's his own fault things had gotten so unbearably bad in every way. he's blaming himself plenty for the robots, but it's just as much that he could help with leon's problems that he feels terrible about things.]
Yeah. Though.. I think they were still destructive. It was just in a different way, wasn't it? [wanting to take leon's life, talk of going after his other friends—that still counts as being destructive, he thinks.]
He can't argue that, seeing as how he was the subject of some of said destructive tendencies. Still, he doesn't see it being that big of a deal all around (even if, again, he knows better than to say so), and so he just makes a noncommittal, acknowledging noise at that.
Even so.]
Regardless. There were others that were certainly even more troublesome.
[not that it makes things feel any better. they still went way too far, it still caused a lot of people pain, and to be frank—it's not really easy for him to forget the feeling of plunging dymlos through either of them.
even if they were just robots, it didn't feel good. it was still impactful and it still hurt him a lot to have to do.
it leaves him unsure of what to really say or do, not when he's truly still so uncomfortable with how everything happened.]
[... Yeah, this topic isn't working, even Leon can tell that much. Whoops...
He's quiet for a moment, before he tries again, expression frustrated--but it's less because of Stahn and more because of his own inability to do something as basic as create satisfactory small talk.]
...Regardless, that is over and done with. The others seem to be fine as well.
[.........................a heavy beat.]
... Not that I bothered to check on them, but they are loud, so it is impossible to not be aware...!
[this is what happens when things go terribly wrong; when stahn can't get out of his own head long enough to be the sunshine they both need to try and get through a tough time, it makes the whole situation awkward.
he's been holding a lot in for leon's sake as much as his own. when the silence falls in the air, stahn sucks in a breath—he knows he should do better, he knows he should change the subject and set the conversation right. leon is trying, but he's not good at this sort of thing, and stahn knows it. it's unfair to him, isn't it? it's unfair to expect leon to carry the conversation when he's already done so much already to try and right what a messy situation they've gotten themselves into.
but before stahn can actually open his mouth to say anything, leon's begun to speak again and... so very quickly, he's fumbling.
—it's not really a bad thing, even if the brief laughter that comes is a bit at leon's expense. it does seem to brighten stahn up a bit, even if it's just because he knows leon cares about a lot of people a lot more than he admits.] It sounds like you've made a lot of friends, Leon.
[whether leon checked on them, or they checked on leon, it's a good thing.]
[It's definitely been pretty awkward. When Stahn and Leon are both at the top of their game (something that hasn't happened since they arrived here, what with Leon being dead putting a damper on everything), their conversation comes surprisingly easily and calmly. They can discuss things like their plans, swordwork--so many things, without resorting to bickering or butting heads.
For a period of time, things had been like that.
They're not anymore, Leon knows that much. But... that's not something so easily fixed. All he can do is keep trying.
He looks even more flustered and angry in equal parts at the laughter, but he simmers down a little when Stahn speaks--only to look flustered all over again.]
That is-- do not be ridiculous! I have done nothing of the sort! The people here are troublesome and a waste of my time!
Even if you think that... it still sounds like a lot of people care about you.
[stahn had been the one to do most of the checking in with his friends—and some of them he still hadn't even had a chance to speak to yet. but from the sound of it, leon spoke to enough people, whether of his own volition or not.
somehow that, of all things, seems to brighten stahn up just a little bit. it's genuinely relieving to see some kind of expression of care, that people in cerealia have gotten close enough to leon (even if it's not close enough for leon to see friendship in them) that they genuinely care about his well-being, or express their own state of being to keep leon from being concerned.
it's good.
it's really good, and it's one of the things stahn wants most for him.]
I think it's a good thing. [yeah, he's just ignoring that leon is saying that they're troublesome or wastes of time. he knows leon doesn't think that way of everyone in cerealia, after all.]
Stahn says that and Leon instantly rebels against the thought. People caring about him here is not something he wants. He doesn't want people to care or get attached--not when he's dead, not when he never asked for that, not when he doesn't know how to handle it.
He frowns tightly.]
...Shut up. [But it's...not really said with a great deal of force.] I'm not interested in that, so do not make up something that is not happening. I am not making friends.
[Leon, Stahn didn't say anything about friendship that time.]
Even if you're not interested... you can't stop other people from caring, Leon.
[he's still not acknowledging the friendship line. to stahn, they go hand-in-hand, and he's sure that people like kashuu undoubtedly see leon as a friend in just the same way he does.
(okay, maybe not just the same, but still very similarly.)
still, he can't ignore what leon is saying, so he gives his own stance. his tone is quiet and gentle, more explanatory than anything meant to be scolding or condescending in any way.]
The people here are really kind, and most people just want to help each other. It's not easy for anyone here. Not for us... not for them, either. [everyone is struggling just the same.]
I think some people would be upset to hear you say that, though. You can say it to me if you want, but... people like Otome, I think it would hurt them. [by being so staunchly against the notion of people caring for him to the point that he'd make the accusation of it being made up—it's a little too much, even to stahn.]
[This is really not what he wanted when he was trying to make small talk happen. Stahn keeps talking and Leon tenses as he goes, because Stahn's right. There are a lot of people who are kind here--too much so, really. There are a lot of people who act as though they want to be his friend, or be a part of his life.
He doesn't like it.
Leon grimaces in response to that, looking away sharply. Otome would probably be hurt by it, yes. Maybe Kashuu, maybe Rise. He doesn't know. But he knows that he's not ready to acknowledge that fact even so. That people might care about him-- no.]
Very well then. [If they're hurt by it--then fine.] Even if it is as you say...that would only be for the better.
[If they don't like him anymore, if they're hurt by him, it'll be for the better.
You don't really think it's a good thing to just hurt people like that, do you?
[it's hard for stahn to believe that. he knows that leon keeps people at arm's length, and he understands why. but he can't fathom the idea of thinking it's good, okay, or better somehow to intentionally cause hurt to them.]
I believe that anyone capable of being harmed by that should not be around me in the first place.
[That's snapped out immediately, and it's really the root of the problem. He keeps people at arm's length for so many reasons, but lately there's been another added to it--that people who stay by him get hurt. It's a recurring thing that he doesn't like, so if they're that soft...
They should stay away from him if they don't want to be hurt.]
But he's looking rather displeased by Stahn's insistence on this--probably unsurprisingly. He frowns tensely in response, giving Stahn the flattest possible look.]
Is that not reasonable? If they would be hurt by my actions, personality or beliefs, they should befriend someone else. It is quite clear that there are plenty of overly friendly, idiotically cheerful people here for them to inflict their company upon. They should simply leave me alone.
Do you really have to go out of your way to be hurtful, though? Even if there are a lot of nice people around who are willing to be friendly... those people care about you.
["i care about you," remains unspoken, because it's a given. but when leon gets this staunchly aggressive in his word choice and makes it seem like the right thing to do is to somehow avoid him...
well, stahn can't abide by that. so maybe as they progress, he's projecting a little more of his own feeling onto this than intended. but stahn can't help it, not when it can be so downright frustrating to watch leon push his friends away just as he did back then. hadn't he learned anything from their experiences? didn't he want to grow at all?]
Trying to hurt people to keep them away... it doesn't work, Leon. You can't choose who cares about you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
post-robots
of course, he hasn't given leon much of a chance to do so, either. while trying to get his own thoughts in order and figure out just how he feels about what happened with the robots and his own responsibilities... well, he's been pretty selfish. because as ever, without someone to pull him out from his own head, stahn tends to get kind of lost. there will come a time when his resolve is better, when he's better at being the hero he should be and will eventually become.
but even with pep talks from rutee, dymlos and even leon... there's still more things he needs to experience, things from their own world that can push his motivation over the edge to a completely immovable strength. until that time comes? there's a lot of ebb and flow to how he copes with things.
today, it's by sitting on the sofa, listlessly flipping through the channels while leon isn't around. he's not really doing it to watch tv, he's doing it more so because it's a mindless action while he tries to figure out how he can make this up to leon and his other friends who got caught in the middle of this.]
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However, there's another problem as well--and that's that he's been cooped up like this for too long. Between the robot disasters and the way that they're listlessly like this now... Leon's not happy about it. So now that he doesn't think he'll make any poor life choices (like reaching for Stahn's hand), he stalks out of his bedroom and over to the couch.
And, demandingly:]
Stand up. We're leaving.
[Ah yes, Leon.]
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[naturally, leon appearing from practically nowhere and making demands of him takes stahn a bit by surprise.
not because he isn't used to leon being that way, but they've barely spoken at all these last few days. his attempts to give leon space in addition to everything they were feeling after killing the robots led to that. so the last thing he's expecting right now is for leon to make demands.]
We are? [well, he does sit up a little straighter, but he's also giving leon a look. because... what? did they have plans? why is he being so bossy right now?]
Where are we going?
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[Yes, that...that explains a lot. But Leon's just standing before the couch (which is closer than he's stood to Stahn in quite some time now), arms crossed, foot tapping.
Let's go.]
We have spent too much time cooped up in here, doing nothing. I am tired of this atmosphere.
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[stahn notices that, but he also notices the impatience. so stahn agrees without much of a fight, though he also doesn't look particularly excited about it like he normally would be.
clearly, this has affected them a lot more than either of them cares to admit. but stahn will still pull himself to his feet, still keeping a bit of distance and giving leon a curious look.]
...Are you feeling better now? [about his.. touch urges, at least. that's the implication here.]
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[Instant, immediate, but...also sincere enough. He's fine, and he's feeling more like himself, which is why Leon can ever come this close without bristling at all.]
So there is no need to dawdle.
[Or keep that unnecessary distance.]
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[it's a statement he means sincerely, even if that melancholy still hangs in his voice. it's less to do with what leon is saying and more what stahn has been feeling, but he's not thinking much about it himself.
instead, stahn is pulling himself to his feet.]
Is there somewhere you wanted to go? [he shifts the topic back to what leon initially propositioned him for—there's no reason to dwell on that other topic; he knows leon doesn't want to talk about that, anyway.]
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Not as such, no.
[You're being propositioned for a walk, Stahn.
Just a walk.
It's literally so aimless and anti-Leon, and yet here he is, offering up the suggestion while shifting uncomfortably, arms crossed defensively and not meeting Stahn's eyes.]
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[it's definitely weird, but... stahn isn't going to say no. and he's not going to call out how weird it is because...
well, leon is trying, isn't he? after everything that happened and how hard things have been for them, he's still taking the first step to try and fix things. he may not know what to do (and it shows), but it speaks volumes to stahn in every way imaginable.
there's a small smile that tugs at the corner of his mouth, because this is it. this is one of those times when stahn feels so justified in why he always staunchly believed in leon. this is why he's always called leon his best friend, and why even when the king of seinegald had labeled him a traitor, stahn still knew that leon was a good person who acted with purpose.
he isn't sure what will happen, or if this will somehow fix things... but it's a start, so stahn can't refuse it.]
That's fine. Wherever you go... I'll follow, then. [which really just means he'll let leon lead the walk, despite whatever meaning it may sound like otherwise.]
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But...at least it's a start, right? And it will get them out of this stifling atmosphere, which is important too.
Leon doesn't break the silence until they've hit the Cerealian sidewalks, and then, finally, he offers up a quiet--]
The amount of destruction caused by these robots is impressive. I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that yours were not prone to destructive tendencies.
[Since...Stahn isn't either.
This is the worst small talk but he's trying.]
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he knows it counts for something, so stahn himself has to try. he can't leave this all in leon's hands, especially when it's his own fault things had gotten so unbearably bad in every way. he's blaming himself plenty for the robots, but it's just as much that he could help with leon's problems that he feels terrible about things.]
Yeah. Though.. I think they were still destructive. It was just in a different way, wasn't it? [wanting to take leon's life, talk of going after his other friends—that still counts as being destructive, he thinks.]
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He can't argue that, seeing as how he was the subject of some of said destructive tendencies. Still, he doesn't see it being that big of a deal all around (even if, again, he knows better than to say so), and so he just makes a noncommittal, acknowledging noise at that.
Even so.]
Regardless. There were others that were certainly even more troublesome.
[So... IT COULD'VE BEEN WORSE?]
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[not that it makes things feel any better. they still went way too far, it still caused a lot of people pain, and to be frank—it's not really easy for him to forget the feeling of plunging dymlos through either of them.
even if they were just robots, it didn't feel good. it was still impactful and it still hurt him a lot to have to do.
it leaves him unsure of what to really say or do, not when he's truly still so uncomfortable with how everything happened.]
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He's quiet for a moment, before he tries again, expression frustrated--but it's less because of Stahn and more because of his own inability to do something as basic as create satisfactory small talk.]
...Regardless, that is over and done with. The others seem to be fine as well.
[.........................a heavy beat.]
... Not that I bothered to check on them, but they are loud, so it is impossible to not be aware...!
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he's been holding a lot in for leon's sake as much as his own. when the silence falls in the air, stahn sucks in a breath—he knows he should do better, he knows he should change the subject and set the conversation right. leon is trying, but he's not good at this sort of thing, and stahn knows it. it's unfair to him, isn't it? it's unfair to expect leon to carry the conversation when he's already done so much already to try and right what a messy situation they've gotten themselves into.
but before stahn can actually open his mouth to say anything, leon's begun to speak again and... so very quickly, he's fumbling.
—it's not really a bad thing, even if the brief laughter that comes is a bit at leon's expense. it does seem to brighten stahn up a bit, even if it's just because he knows leon cares about a lot of people a lot more than he admits.] It sounds like you've made a lot of friends, Leon.
[whether leon checked on them, or they checked on leon, it's a good thing.]
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For a period of time, things had been like that.
They're not anymore, Leon knows that much. But... that's not something so easily fixed. All he can do is keep trying.
He looks even more flustered and angry in equal parts at the laughter, but he simmers down a little when Stahn speaks--only to look flustered all over again.]
That is-- do not be ridiculous! I have done nothing of the sort! The people here are troublesome and a waste of my time!
[Uh huh.....]
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[stahn had been the one to do most of the checking in with his friends—and some of them he still hadn't even had a chance to speak to yet. but from the sound of it, leon spoke to enough people, whether of his own volition or not.
somehow that, of all things, seems to brighten stahn up just a little bit. it's genuinely relieving to see some kind of expression of care, that people in cerealia have gotten close enough to leon (even if it's not close enough for leon to see friendship in them) that they genuinely care about his well-being, or express their own state of being to keep leon from being concerned.
it's good.
it's really good, and it's one of the things stahn wants most for him.]
I think it's a good thing. [yeah, he's just ignoring that leon is saying that they're troublesome or wastes of time. he knows leon doesn't think that way of everyone in cerealia, after all.]
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Stahn says that and Leon instantly rebels against the thought. People caring about him here is not something he wants. He doesn't want people to care or get attached--not when he's dead, not when he never asked for that, not when he doesn't know how to handle it.
He frowns tightly.]
...Shut up. [But it's...not really said with a great deal of force.] I'm not interested in that, so do not make up something that is not happening. I am not making friends.
[Leon, Stahn didn't say anything about friendship that time.]
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[he's still not acknowledging the friendship line. to stahn, they go hand-in-hand, and he's sure that people like kashuu undoubtedly see leon as a friend in just the same way he does.
(okay, maybe not just the same, but still very similarly.)
still, he can't ignore what leon is saying, so he gives his own stance. his tone is quiet and gentle, more explanatory than anything meant to be scolding or condescending in any way.]
The people here are really kind, and most people just want to help each other. It's not easy for anyone here. Not for us... not for them, either. [everyone is struggling just the same.]
I think some people would be upset to hear you say that, though. You can say it to me if you want, but... people like Otome, I think it would hurt them. [by being so staunchly against the notion of people caring for him to the point that he'd make the accusation of it being made up—it's a little too much, even to stahn.]
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He doesn't like it.
Leon grimaces in response to that, looking away sharply. Otome would probably be hurt by it, yes. Maybe Kashuu, maybe Rise. He doesn't know. But he knows that he's not ready to acknowledge that fact even so. That people might care about him-- no.]
Very well then. [If they're hurt by it--then fine.] Even if it is as you say...that would only be for the better.
[If they don't like him anymore, if they're hurt by him, it'll be for the better.
(right?)]
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[it's hard for stahn to believe that. he knows that leon keeps people at arm's length, and he understands why. but he can't fathom the idea of thinking it's good, okay, or better somehow to intentionally cause hurt to them.]
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[That's snapped out immediately, and it's really the root of the problem. He keeps people at arm's length for so many reasons, but lately there's been another added to it--that people who stay by him get hurt. It's a recurring thing that he doesn't like, so if they're that soft...
They should stay away from him if they don't want to be hurt.]
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...That's not true at all. [stahn says that firmly, shaking his head. it's not a mentality stahn can stand behind in the least.]
You can't say people shouldn't be around you just because they care enough to be worried, or would be hurt by you being willing to hurt them.
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[So there!! He can too say it!!
But he's looking rather displeased by Stahn's insistence on this--probably unsurprisingly. He frowns tensely in response, giving Stahn the flattest possible look.]
Is that not reasonable? If they would be hurt by my actions, personality or beliefs, they should befriend someone else. It is quite clear that there are plenty of overly friendly, idiotically cheerful people here for them to inflict their company upon. They should simply leave me alone.
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["i care about you," remains unspoken, because it's a given. but when leon gets this staunchly aggressive in his word choice and makes it seem like the right thing to do is to somehow avoid him...
well, stahn can't abide by that. so maybe as they progress, he's projecting a little more of his own feeling onto this than intended. but stahn can't help it, not when it can be so downright frustrating to watch leon push his friends away just as he did back then. hadn't he learned anything from their experiences? didn't he want to grow at all?]
Trying to hurt people to keep them away... it doesn't work, Leon. You can't choose who cares about you.
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