[It's hard not to believe in Stahn when he speaks like this. When he speaks with such conviction, such belief and so much determination, it's hard to not believe in him. This is Stahn, after all. This is the person Leon trusts to save the world in his stead.
Shakily, he draws in a breath and lets it out again, and then his shoulders slump a little. It's exhausting to keep fighting it, after all--when this is the sort of thing that maybe...maybe he could let himself believe in.
Maybe he could believe in and hope for this, and it would all be okay.
Wouldn't that be a thought?
So...Leon doesn't deny it. He can't really deny it anymore, not when Stahn's determined. So--]
... As I've said. Should you find evidence that such a thing is possible, then I...will also put my faith in that.
[If Stahn can give him that much...then Leon will put all of his effort into that as well.]
[somehow, it feels just the slightest bit easier when leon isn't fighting him tooth and nail on this. even if he knows this is probably not the last of it... even if he knows that leon doesn't believe in him enough to have faith in being possible...
it's a little easier to not have to fight about it. it's one less point of real conflict.]
Even if it doesn't seem possible... I won't stop until there's a way. So just... believe in me. [that's all stahn can ask of him right now.
well, aside from:]
Until then... don't treat your life like it's worthless. [well, don't do so afterwards either, but he's so tired of feeling like leon doesn't care about being alive.] It's something precious... life. Your life. Anyone's life.
[he's so sick and tired of loss. he's so tired of the pain that comes with loss. he's so tired of people throwing their lives away so easily and treating it like that should be something easy to do. even if that's the job of a soldier—to be ready to give their life.
something like that should still have weight.
that's why it bothers stahn. that's why even plunging dymlos through the robots was so difficult; they weren't real, but they acted as if they could truly feel, and it physically felt the same as if they'd been real people. he's been evaluating these things a bit in the time he's spent alone.
it's not too much to ask, is it? to ask leon to treat his own life with the same care that he treated the lives of the people he cared about? stahn doesn't think so, but it's difficult for him to tell these days with leon.]
[Don't treat his life like it's worthless? Easier said than done, certainly, but... Leon's tired of fighting Stahn on this, too. So he isn't looking for a fight when he lifts his gaze, meeting Stahn's eyes tiredly. He's not looking for a fight at all--he's just trying to sincerely figure this out.
How is he supposed to suddenly care about what happens to his life here? Maybe... maybe if he had some sort of guarantee... but even then, he doesn't really deserve it and he knows it.
It's hard, and he's never been good at that sort of thing. Avoidance was always his method of choice for dealing with that.]
... And how am I to do that?
[It's a sincere question. How will Stahn accept "not treating his life like it's worthless"? Because right now, he doesn't feel it, but he can at least mimic the actions... until he does.]
[for a moment, stahn looks at leon, puzzled. it's puzzling to him simply because it's the first time he's heard leon ask something like that so sincerely.
it's not an easy question to answer, either. every life has value, but... how can stahn decide that for leon? he can't really decide for someone else what gives their life worth; he just knows that the flippant way leon treats things definitely feels like he's waiting to die again.]
I... can't say for sure. You don't find worth in the same things I do, right? But I think...
[he pauses, trying to find the words. stahn's not too good at this either. as much as he wants to get through to leon, he really doesn't have the tools or the vocabulary to really convey everything he'd like to.]
You should think about the people who care about you. Remember... how sad they would be if you gave your life up so easily. [stahn is thinking about people like otome, and of their friends back home; of rutee, and of marian too. but stahn is also thinking about himself—even thinking about losing leon a second time causes a deep ache in his chest, and that sense of loss is visible in his expression.]
You have a chance, and... [this is the part that's hardest for him to say.]
...Dying isn't a way to make up for mistakes. Nobody else gets anything from it but pain. So you need to live. You need to live and find a way that means something. [that sounds harsh, doesn't it? but stahn realizes that, so he'll soften it up with some sincerity.]
I don't think you need to... repent or apologize. But... if it's something you feel like you need to do, Leon... then do it. But do it the right way, don't just think giving up your life is going to ever make things better for anyone else.
[it's so hard for stahn to say that, but it's the truth. of course, what stahn isn't saying is that choosing to die a second time, not being willing to find value in hs life because he "deserves" death is cowardly. it's running away, and stahn thinks too highly of leon to let him live out his days in that sort of state.]
[Dying isn't a way to make up for mistakes--isn't that the truth. If there's anything this entire experience has made plain, it's that. It's that dying had resolved nothing, and is simply now coming back to bite him. It's that dying was really honestly one of the worst things that could have happened, even if Leon still would have made the same choices.
Because he saved them, and that was important.
But on the other hand...
He can really see that this...was a problem from start to finish. Do it the right way, Stahn says, but Leon doesn't know what the right way is, and there wasn't an easy answer for how he should continue to live his life now, but that would've been too easy, wouldn't it? If it was that easy, Leon would have found it already.
But what he does know is that he's also tired of constantly fighting against Stahn's efforts.
He sighs softly, looking away, but ultimately ends up nodding shortly. He understands. He can't say much, and he doesn't know even now how to make his life mean something here now, but...he at least understands where Stahn's coming from, and he won't argue against that.]
[stahn finds himself breathing out a shaky sigh. it's hard to tell if it's tired or it's relief—maybe it's a bit of both. but leon seems to understand what he means, and he's not fighting it. for what feels like the first time in months, they're not fighting over this topic, and maybe for that reason, stahn does feel relief.
all he wants to do more than anything beyond what needs to be done back on their world is help leon. it's hard to help, though, when leon is so adamant about pushing away his efforts and trying to cause distance between. it had felt like so many steps backwards from the strides they'd made on their journey together...
so for the first time in a while, it feels like they're actually taking a step forward.]
...Thank you, Leon. [thank you for not fighting him. thank you for understanding. thank you for being here.
it hardly solves all of their problems, and stahn himself is still dealing with the weighted guilt for how things he's let happen to leon rather than actually being able to protect him from the worst of things that have gone on.]
[It really is a relief to finally not be fighting. They've been grating against each other bit by bit for the months they've been here, never on the same page, always having the wrong expectations of each other.
Finally, maybe, they're closer to where they were before everything went wrong.
Quietly, Leon glances away. He still doesn't think Stahn should be thanking him for anything--if anything, he should be the one thanking Stahn. Those words get caught before they escape his tongue, though, and instead all he gets is a quiet sigh before he finally allows his eyes to slide shut.
He's still exhausted; these conversations take a lot out of both of them. But...at least they can move on.]
I know. [Stahn will always do everything in his power for Leon--Leon knows that much by now.] ... We were taking a walk. Is there anywhere you wish to go?
[stahn gives a quiet, honest, but tired answer. they're both definitely too exhausted to fight anymore, though stahn can see that for the moment... there's no need for it.
but being tired also means being a bit more unfiltered with his thoughts (though stahn rarely is, he does know when to hold his tongue for leon's sake).]
The walk was your idea, remember? [stahn hadn't even known why they'd decided to do it until they were moving. it feels like that was a century ago already though, with how much has already happened.] I don't really care where we go, just walking like this together is fine.
[mostly because he feels strangely relieved. they still have a lot to work through and talk about—the fact that leon had been so adamant about contact but still let their fingers linger that one time isn't something he's forgotten; even if he knows it was cerealia, it still feels like there somehow more than needs to be addressed. there's still things regarding the robots, and figuring out just what path they're going to take from here on out.
but for now, this is okay, right? to just walk side-by-side like they used to?]
[... True, the walk was his idea, but he was just trying so hard to get Stahn to focus on something other than how tense and difficult things were. He wasn't expecting for this conversation to have happened, and while in a way he's glad for it, he doesn't have anything else on his mind anymore.
Now it's just... this.
Of course Stahn doesn't care where they go. It's very Stahn. But it also makes things difficult on Leon, and so he sighs for a moment, tilting his head away, before he nods shortly.]
This way, then.
[He'll just...pick a random direction, it's easier to just roll with that and it'll buy him some time to remember how to function.]
[he's content to follow leon's lead, really. he doesn't have any direction in mind and quite honestly... this is kind of nice. it feels like it's been a lifetime since they last were able to walk so peacefully together.
even without a lot to say, and even while being emotionally drained... it's better this way. it's a step in the right direction. it's something closer to normal.]
Are you hungry? [he'll break the silence after a couple of minutes of walking—but unlike in the past couple of months where it was meant to break an awkward tension, stahn seems to be asking casually. a thought aloud, a wondering if maybe they should get a snack while they're out. they haven't done much together at all since leon had been avoiding him, so he's not sure if maybe something a little more than just walking it a good idea.]
[He's not just saying that... he really is perfectly content right now. If he was going to eat something, it'd probably be something sweet, but even that's not something he feels particularly interested in. He'd rather... just walk with Stahn, and see where that takes them.
Which is why he amends half a moment too long later--]
However, if you are, do not allow me to stop you. It is not as though we are in a hurry.
[the truth is that stahn is content to keep walking this way with leon. because things have been so strained, even walking in a more comfortable silence is satisfactory for him—he's happy to have leon's presence at a time like this, and he's not quite ready to settle back into what has been passing as normal for them.
walking like this, with no constraints on time, with no rush to reach a destination... it's nice. it's legitimately nice and slowly seems to be easing a lot of tension that stahn's been holding in for months.]
Maybe a snack we can eat while we walk would be nice, if we pass something like that. [something sweet is in fact what stahn is thinking, though not necessarily to appease leon's tastes. it just seems like it would fit the situation.]
[If that's what Stahn wants, Leon won't argue. Walking around, wandering like this...even if it's without a direct destination in mind, it's at least helping to release some of the tension in Leon as well. He's been stuck in place for far too long. being able to just move helps, even if it's just walking around Cerealia.
It's still something.
So he just draws in a slow breath, letting it out and feeling some of his tension fade away as well. He still has way too much to think about, especially after his conversation with Stahn, but... it's fine for now.]
Fine. If you see something you want, then say so.
[Otherwise, Leon's going to keep on walking, calmly and cooly.]
[except that... well, stahn is stahn. so now he's got the idea of a snack on his mind, and he's just thinking about that. and he's getting kind of hungry. what started as an innocuous suggestion in an attempt to seek a little more normalcy and find some comfort has become...
something he wants, actually.
so being stahn, he's going to start pondering the options out loud.]
Maybe something like crepes? Or maybe ice pops? Or popcorn? Hm...
[Stahns are gonna Stahn, clearly... Leon's quiet at that, letting Stahn ramble to his heart's content; he's not really that interested personally, even if he likes crepes and ice pops both.
He's really honestly not that hungry, so just letting Stahn ramble is easy enough.]
We should not go out of our way to find a snack. Keep that in mind when making your selection.
I know, I know! I was going to to try to. But you know there are always a lot of stands around with stuff around here...
[stop being such a buzzkill, leon. stahn wants to try and do something nice to lighten their mood a bit after everything—he's trying hard here, especially after he had to be so blunt about how he felt about things.]
It smells really good, though! Come on, let's try it! [when they get to the cart proper, they'll be able to see it's not just filled with red bean, but also with vanilla ice cream.
[it's fine, stahn will just go on over and order two—and leon will have one handed to him that's got taiyaki and small drizzle of chocolate over that. stahn's is a little more traditional, but it's fine. he doesn't mind paying a little extra for something he thinks leon will really enjoy.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Shakily, he draws in a breath and lets it out again, and then his shoulders slump a little. It's exhausting to keep fighting it, after all--when this is the sort of thing that maybe...maybe he could let himself believe in.
Maybe he could believe in and hope for this, and it would all be okay.
Wouldn't that be a thought?
So...Leon doesn't deny it. He can't really deny it anymore, not when Stahn's determined. So--]
... As I've said. Should you find evidence that such a thing is possible, then I...will also put my faith in that.
[If Stahn can give him that much...then Leon will put all of his effort into that as well.]
no subject
it's a little easier to not have to fight about it. it's one less point of real conflict.]
Even if it doesn't seem possible... I won't stop until there's a way. So just... believe in me. [that's all stahn can ask of him right now.
well, aside from:]
Until then... don't treat your life like it's worthless. [well, don't do so afterwards either, but he's so tired of feeling like leon doesn't care about being alive.] It's something precious... life. Your life. Anyone's life.
[he's so sick and tired of loss. he's so tired of the pain that comes with loss. he's so tired of people throwing their lives away so easily and treating it like that should be something easy to do. even if that's the job of a soldier—to be ready to give their life.
something like that should still have weight.
that's why it bothers stahn. that's why even plunging dymlos through the robots was so difficult; they weren't real, but they acted as if they could truly feel, and it physically felt the same as if they'd been real people. he's been evaluating these things a bit in the time he's spent alone.
it's not too much to ask, is it? to ask leon to treat his own life with the same care that he treated the lives of the people he cared about? stahn doesn't think so, but it's difficult for him to tell these days with leon.]
no subject
How is he supposed to suddenly care about what happens to his life here? Maybe... maybe if he had some sort of guarantee... but even then, he doesn't really deserve it and he knows it.
It's hard, and he's never been good at that sort of thing. Avoidance was always his method of choice for dealing with that.]
... And how am I to do that?
[It's a sincere question. How will Stahn accept "not treating his life like it's worthless"? Because right now, he doesn't feel it, but he can at least mimic the actions... until he does.]
no subject
it's not an easy question to answer, either. every life has value, but... how can stahn decide that for leon? he can't really decide for someone else what gives their life worth; he just knows that the flippant way leon treats things definitely feels like he's waiting to die again.]
I... can't say for sure. You don't find worth in the same things I do, right? But I think...
[he pauses, trying to find the words. stahn's not too good at this either. as much as he wants to get through to leon, he really doesn't have the tools or the vocabulary to really convey everything he'd like to.]
You should think about the people who care about you. Remember... how sad they would be if you gave your life up so easily. [stahn is thinking about people like otome, and of their friends back home; of rutee, and of marian too. but stahn is also thinking about himself—even thinking about losing leon a second time causes a deep ache in his chest, and that sense of loss is visible in his expression.]
You have a chance, and... [this is the part that's hardest for him to say.]
...Dying isn't a way to make up for mistakes. Nobody else gets anything from it but pain. So you need to live. You need to live and find a way that means something. [that sounds harsh, doesn't it? but stahn realizes that, so he'll soften it up with some sincerity.]
I don't think you need to... repent or apologize. But... if it's something you feel like you need to do, Leon... then do it. But do it the right way, don't just think giving up your life is going to ever make things better for anyone else.
[it's so hard for stahn to say that, but it's the truth. of course, what stahn isn't saying is that choosing to die a second time, not being willing to find value in hs life because he "deserves" death is cowardly. it's running away, and stahn thinks too highly of leon to let him live out his days in that sort of state.]
no subject
Because he saved them, and that was important.
But on the other hand...
He can really see that this...was a problem from start to finish. Do it the right way, Stahn says, but Leon doesn't know what the right way is, and there wasn't an easy answer for how he should continue to live his life now, but that would've been too easy, wouldn't it? If it was that easy, Leon would have found it already.
But what he does know is that he's also tired of constantly fighting against Stahn's efforts.
He sighs softly, looking away, but ultimately ends up nodding shortly. He understands. He can't say much, and he doesn't know even now how to make his life mean something here now, but...he at least understands where Stahn's coming from, and he won't argue against that.]
no subject
all he wants to do more than anything beyond what needs to be done back on their world is help leon. it's hard to help, though, when leon is so adamant about pushing away his efforts and trying to cause distance between. it had felt like so many steps backwards from the strides they'd made on their journey together...
so for the first time in a while, it feels like they're actually taking a step forward.]
...Thank you, Leon. [thank you for not fighting him. thank you for understanding. thank you for being here.
it hardly solves all of their problems, and stahn himself is still dealing with the weighted guilt for how things he's let happen to leon rather than actually being able to protect him from the worst of things that have gone on.]
However I can.... I'll help.
no subject
Finally, maybe, they're closer to where they were before everything went wrong.
Quietly, Leon glances away. He still doesn't think Stahn should be thanking him for anything--if anything, he should be the one thanking Stahn. Those words get caught before they escape his tongue, though, and instead all he gets is a quiet sigh before he finally allows his eyes to slide shut.
He's still exhausted; these conversations take a lot out of both of them. But...at least they can move on.]
I know. [Stahn will always do everything in his power for Leon--Leon knows that much by now.] ... We were taking a walk. Is there anywhere you wish to go?
no subject
[stahn gives a quiet, honest, but tired answer. they're both definitely too exhausted to fight anymore, though stahn can see that for the moment... there's no need for it.
but being tired also means being a bit more unfiltered with his thoughts (though stahn rarely is, he does know when to hold his tongue for leon's sake).]
The walk was your idea, remember? [stahn hadn't even known why they'd decided to do it until they were moving. it feels like that was a century ago already though, with how much has already happened.] I don't really care where we go, just walking like this together is fine.
[mostly because he feels strangely relieved. they still have a lot to work through and talk about—the fact that leon had been so adamant about contact but still let their fingers linger that one time isn't something he's forgotten; even if he knows it was cerealia, it still feels like there somehow more than needs to be addressed. there's still things regarding the robots, and figuring out just what path they're going to take from here on out.
but for now, this is okay, right? to just walk side-by-side like they used to?]
no subject
Now it's just... this.
Of course Stahn doesn't care where they go. It's very Stahn. But it also makes things difficult on Leon, and so he sighs for a moment, tilting his head away, before he nods shortly.]
This way, then.
[He'll just...pick a random direction, it's easier to just roll with that and it'll buy him some time to remember how to function.]
no subject
[he's content to follow leon's lead, really. he doesn't have any direction in mind and quite honestly... this is kind of nice. it feels like it's been a lifetime since they last were able to walk so peacefully together.
even without a lot to say, and even while being emotionally drained... it's better this way. it's a step in the right direction. it's something closer to normal.]
Are you hungry? [he'll break the silence after a couple of minutes of walking—but unlike in the past couple of months where it was meant to break an awkward tension, stahn seems to be asking casually. a thought aloud, a wondering if maybe they should get a snack while they're out. they haven't done much together at all since leon had been avoiding him, so he's not sure if maybe something a little more than just walking it a good idea.]
no subject
[He's not just saying that... he really is perfectly content right now. If he was going to eat something, it'd probably be something sweet, but even that's not something he feels particularly interested in. He'd rather... just walk with Stahn, and see where that takes them.
Which is why he amends half a moment too long later--]
However, if you are, do not allow me to stop you. It is not as though we are in a hurry.
no subject
[the truth is that stahn is content to keep walking this way with leon. because things have been so strained, even walking in a more comfortable silence is satisfactory for him—he's happy to have leon's presence at a time like this, and he's not quite ready to settle back into what has been passing as normal for them.
walking like this, with no constraints on time, with no rush to reach a destination... it's nice. it's legitimately nice and slowly seems to be easing a lot of tension that stahn's been holding in for months.]
Maybe a snack we can eat while we walk would be nice, if we pass something like that. [something sweet is in fact what stahn is thinking, though not necessarily to appease leon's tastes. it just seems like it would fit the situation.]
no subject
It's still something.
So he just draws in a slow breath, letting it out and feeling some of his tension fade away as well. He still has way too much to think about, especially after his conversation with Stahn, but... it's fine for now.]
Fine. If you see something you want, then say so.
[Otherwise, Leon's going to keep on walking, calmly and cooly.]
no subject
[except that... well, stahn is stahn. so now he's got the idea of a snack on his mind, and he's just thinking about that. and he's getting kind of hungry. what started as an innocuous suggestion in an attempt to seek a little more normalcy and find some comfort has become...
something he wants, actually.
so being stahn, he's going to start pondering the options out loud.]
Maybe something like crepes? Or maybe ice pops? Or popcorn? Hm...
no subject
He's really honestly not that hungry, so just letting Stahn ramble is easy enough.]
We should not go out of our way to find a snack. Keep that in mind when making your selection.
[Sure is still a buzzkill over here.]
no subject
[stop being such a buzzkill, leon. stahn wants to try and do something nice to lighten their mood a bit after everything—he's trying hard here, especially after he had to be so blunt about how he felt about things.]
no subject
Very well then. If something is found along the way, I have no complaints.
[Live your dreams, Stahn.]
no subject
[he'll be keeping his eyes peeled as he walks... he's not going to let leon bring down his attempts to make the mood a little better.
...which is why his eyes are going to light up when they eventually pass a taiyaki cart after a few minutes of walking in silence.]
Leon! Leon, look at that!
no subject
... I fail to see what is appetizing about eating the head off of a pastry fish.
[HE'S JUST SAYING.... even if it does smell really good.]
no subject
It smells really good, though! Come on, let's try it! [when they get to the cart proper, they'll be able to see it's not just filled with red bean, but also with vanilla ice cream.
awesome.]
no subject
Leon's actually realizing that it...smells so good...and looks so good...
Ugh, look, strawberries on top....]
.... I suppose having one could not hurt, if you insist on it in your irritating way.
no subject
[it's fine, stahn will just go on over and order two—and leon will have one handed to him that's got taiyaki and small drizzle of chocolate over that. stahn's is a little more traditional, but it's fine. he doesn't mind paying a little extra for something he thinks leon will really enjoy.
they need this right now, badly.]
no subject
Leon blinks at it for a moment, and then he slowly brings it closer to take a bite.
It's... so good...
So good.
Please hold, he's blissfully happy with this.]
no subject
[probablynot as tasty as leon's, but he prefers his a little less sweet. stahn's pretty satisfied though, so he's just going to look to leon.
how is it?
is it good?
(silent questions that can be guessed just based on how stahn is looking at him.)]
no subject
[Leon says, with whipped cream on his nose and the intense urge to eat more.
(He loves it.)]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)