[This is really not what he wanted when he was trying to make small talk happen. Stahn keeps talking and Leon tenses as he goes, because Stahn's right. There are a lot of people who are kind here--too much so, really. There are a lot of people who act as though they want to be his friend, or be a part of his life.
He doesn't like it.
Leon grimaces in response to that, looking away sharply. Otome would probably be hurt by it, yes. Maybe Kashuu, maybe Rise. He doesn't know. But he knows that he's not ready to acknowledge that fact even so. That people might care about him-- no.]
Very well then. [If they're hurt by it--then fine.] Even if it is as you say...that would only be for the better.
[If they don't like him anymore, if they're hurt by him, it'll be for the better.
You don't really think it's a good thing to just hurt people like that, do you?
[it's hard for stahn to believe that. he knows that leon keeps people at arm's length, and he understands why. but he can't fathom the idea of thinking it's good, okay, or better somehow to intentionally cause hurt to them.]
I believe that anyone capable of being harmed by that should not be around me in the first place.
[That's snapped out immediately, and it's really the root of the problem. He keeps people at arm's length for so many reasons, but lately there's been another added to it--that people who stay by him get hurt. It's a recurring thing that he doesn't like, so if they're that soft...
They should stay away from him if they don't want to be hurt.]
But he's looking rather displeased by Stahn's insistence on this--probably unsurprisingly. He frowns tensely in response, giving Stahn the flattest possible look.]
Is that not reasonable? If they would be hurt by my actions, personality or beliefs, they should befriend someone else. It is quite clear that there are plenty of overly friendly, idiotically cheerful people here for them to inflict their company upon. They should simply leave me alone.
Do you really have to go out of your way to be hurtful, though? Even if there are a lot of nice people around who are willing to be friendly... those people care about you.
["i care about you," remains unspoken, because it's a given. but when leon gets this staunchly aggressive in his word choice and makes it seem like the right thing to do is to somehow avoid him...
well, stahn can't abide by that. so maybe as they progress, he's projecting a little more of his own feeling onto this than intended. but stahn can't help it, not when it can be so downright frustrating to watch leon push his friends away just as he did back then. hadn't he learned anything from their experiences? didn't he want to grow at all?]
Trying to hurt people to keep them away... it doesn't work, Leon. You can't choose who cares about you.
[Yes, of course he does. Of course he has to go out of his way to be hurtful. Why would he want to be anything but hurtful? He doesn't want people hanging around him, so of course he'll try to push them away. The people who don't learn, who refuse to be pushed away... he doesn't understand them.
Why would they keep bothering?
He doesn't get it.]
They shouldn't. [They shouldn't care.] It is not my fault if they decide for some nonsensical reason to attach themselves to me! I have not changed my behavior [...Right? (No, he's changed, he just doesn't realize that he's gotten softer)] so if they insist on clinging even so, they should be well-aware of what they will receive in return from me.
[It's not fair, he thinks, that he's expected to be different just because people want to like him.]
It doesn't matter if you think they shouldn't. They still do, and you don't get to decide that for them.
[this is aggravating. stahn tends to be fairly tolerant of leon's attitude, but the fact of the matter is that he's still going out of his way to be hurtful to others. doing so intentionally just to keep people at arm's length isn't something stahn will sit by and tolerate.
he's not saying leon needs to be close to those people, but stahn himself... he's tired of being pushed away. even when he does his best to respect leon's boundaries, it still feels like leon refuses to give him even an inch, and it's a serious regression from how things used to be.]
You weren't like this before. Back then... even when you were harsh, you had a good reason for it. You didn't say things you know would hurt people just so they would leave you alone.
[if nobody else is going to call leon on his shit, then stahn will do it himself. even if he hates doing it like this, and even if it's hurting him.
it's the worst for stahn too, because he wants to help leon more than anyone else in cerealia ever possibly could. but with the way things have been, they can't even carry on a conversation the way they used to.] Even us... even we don't get along the same. Nothing should have changed—You're still you, and I'm still me, so...
[why is it always so hard? why does everything end up being a fight now? he's not sure if he's sad or angry about this topic shift, honestly.]
[The words escape him before he can even think of stopping them, frustrated as he is by Stahn's words. He wasn't like this before? Yeah, he wasn't, it's true. Before, he'd had some hope that things would be alright. The last time Stahn had properly talked to him, Leon had believed that he could be more than he was, and he'd been a fool for it.
Everything had gone wrong from there, and the next time they'd spoken, it'd been across blades.
Now? Why should he want to be close to anyone now? He's firmly realized that there's no point to it--he's dead, and he will return to being dead soon enough. This is a temporary arrangement at best, so there's truly no point in expecting anything more from it. And even more than that... it's only caused trouble for everyone. For Marian--knowing him had almost gotten her killed. He'll never forget the sickening drop in his gut when he'd heard that she'd attempted to kill herself. Because of him.
And now? Here's Stahn, smile gone, attempting so hard to stick by him even though he has no reason to, even though it has caused Stahn only trouble, and Leon knows that he would be better off if he just gave up on it. But he doesn't.
Nobody does, and he...feels a little defeated by the thought, anger leaving in one big rush, even as his shoulders slump a little and he looks away.]
Do not...pretend as though you know all of my reasons for what I do and say. Don't act as though I am doing what I do for no reason at all. [That's offensive, really--an affront to him, who always does have reasons, even if they're not always sound ones.] I do not want to deal with this any longer.
[All of this...struggle over emotions and feelings. This difficult business of trying to understand how to interact with people when he doesn't get it at all. He's so tired, and sometimes, that bleeds through despite his best efforts, and it's bleeding through now, tone weary.]
The situation would be simpler if I were left alone.
[He'd be unbearably lonely, but it would still be so much simpler, and so much better for everyone involved; he truly believes that.]
[at first, stahn wants to channel his own anger, his own frustration—the many things he feels, the way he constantly bends to try and accommodate leon because he genuinely wants so much for leon.
he wants him to be comfortable, he wants him to have second chances, he wants him to have things to live for and reasons to push forward. everything went so wrong in the past, and it eats stahn alive constantly that things went as they did—that leon didn't trust him enough to come to him when things started going bad, that he shouldered burdens heavy enough to take on being a traitor to both his country and the world for the sake of one person he cares about, that in the end... stahn couldn't even save him even when leon clearly wanted to be saved.
leon didn't want to betray them. he wanted to leave with them, and if he had been able to, things would have been different. he could have avoided the worst of his fate of being branded a traitor because of hugo's manipulations. stahn knows that right to the end, leon wanted to try to right things, and that meant not pushing away his friends and fighting alongside them.
so for leon to be so adamant about how different things were while pushing everyone away—while pushing stahn away hurts him the most. because for stahn, all he wants to do is help his best friend, but he just continues to be useless and helpless every single time leon acts up, gets angry and pushes him away. they're at the point where they can't even have a comfortable conversation with things getting tense, and even though stahn had spilled a lot of his feelings to otome... he's reached the point where he can't hold back.
but the angry protest dies in his throat when leon continues to speak, because leon's own has slipped away. and stahn can hear it.
he can hear all the notes that leon tries to hold back.
he hears leon's exhaustion.
and moreover, he hears leon's loneliness.]
....
[he exhales quietly as he processes what's happening, what's being said. he can't even keep walking, because it's honestly a bit overwhelming. leon is so lonely, but he's trying to isolate himself further. he's trying to make sure nobody else gets hurt because his situation is so strange and fleeting.
it's like he's completely given up on life even though he's standing there breathing the same air, and it makes stahn's chest tighten in a way he can't quite understand. it hurts. it hurts him so much that he feels like he could die, because he doesn't know how to help. he's never been able to help leon, not once and it's the worst feeling.
he's the worst best friend, isn't he?
but all the sentiments expressed here and now, along with the building feelings of helplessness and sadness that have come from both his grieving back home and the trouble they've encountered in cerealia is breaking the dam wide open.
as ever, stahn acts on his emotions more than what his mind can process, and that's why he's suddenly closing a tense gap hat remains between them, pulling leon into a desperate hug with absolutely little regard for where they are or anything else. he knows deep down that he is crossing boundaries that leon has set—that leon hates being touched and this is the most inappropriate time. he can't stop himself from doing that, and what follows are some quiet, choked out words that still manage to be so fierce and full of conviction.]
I'm not going to leave you alone. As long as you're here, as long as you're breathing, I'm not going to leave you alone, Leon.
[his words are raw and sincere, and it comes from a place of loving his friend so much and wanting to do what little he can.
if all he can do is find a way to ease that loneliness? it's what he'll do. but stahn knows he can't give up, no matter how much leon protests. not now.]
[The moment the words leave his lips, Leon's bracing himself for yet another fight. Exhausted as he is of all of this, he knows Stahn won't accept it. Stahn never does, after all. But even Leon can get tired of fighting and butting heads, especially when Stahn is someone that important to him--no, he won't admit it out loud, but he knows the truth in the privacy of his own mind.
He cares about Stahn, and that's why this is wearing him down. He hates fighting with Stahn, who is the only connection to a world that he's resigned to having forsaken. Stahn, who was so determined to be his friend even now.
Pushing him away feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy of loneliness, but he can't help it, either. This is where he is now. This is all he can do.
... But instead of yelling and getting upset, Stahn's suddenly closing the gap between them so quickly that Leon doesn't even have the chance to react, and then he's wrapped in a tight hug, Stahn's arms tight around him, and for a moment Leon's breathless, throat tight.
How is it that of all people, every time Leon tries to push Stahn away, he responds by coming even closer? He doesn't understand it at all, but for a moment it's so hard to think of how to respond, or to do anything but listen to Stahn and feel his throat tighten further. It's so hard to swallow like this, and he's tense at the closeness, but he's also...just that little bit relieved.
It's hard not to be relieved that Stahn...will never leave him, no matter what he says or does.
But when Leon finally finds his voice, if somewhat jaggedly, all he can say is:]
Let... let go of me.
[He looks away, hair hiding his face, because he doesn't deserve this, and he's not even sure that it's for the better to have it... but he wants Stahn to not leave him behind anyway.
Not yet.
Not until there's no other choice. When they find a way home...then Stahn will have to leave him behind, but not a moment before then, because even thinking of that time is a pang of loneliness so potent that Leon almost finds it impossible to breathe.
Let go of him, but...don't leave him behind.]
Honestly, you're... being utterly ridiculous. [He can't help how shaky his tone is, because he's at a total, utter loss now.] This is why people like you... this is why I cannot tolerate...
[... He can't even finish that sentence, can he? All he can really do is hang his head in defeat instead, and say, instead, quietly:]
[there's a hesitation that comes with trying to adhere to leon's request—but ultimately, his arms will drop to his sides after a moment, though he only takes the slightest step backwards. he knows... he knows he had to have made leon uncomfortable by doing that.
leon, who was so uncomfortable with anyone touching him because of his past. leon, who bristled at anything that seemed remotely caring or affectionate from his friends. it's a line that stahn crossed—but it's a like he felt like he needed to cross. he couldn't control it.
stahn knows that he isn't great with words, and for all that he tries to convey his most sincere feelings... sometimes it's not enough. with leon especially, who manages to find ways to twist his intent and get angry at stahn for caring, it never feels like enough. it's just something else that seems to get lost in translation, something else he fails at conveying every single time.]
Learn. Learn how to tolerate it. [stahn will say after a few long, heavy, silent moments. his own voice is quiet and shaky. his eyes are trained on his feet for the moment while he finds the resolve to say what he feels.
he'd acted impulsively, but it doesn't change that he means what he says.]
I'm not going to give up. Not on you, not on finding a way—some way—for you. You have this chance, so you have to live.
[it's something he's so desperate to convey.] I don't know what the other people you know will do, Leon. But... I didn't give up on you then. Even when everything happened, I always believed in you. I still believe in you, so...
[stahn is finding his resolve a bit, though it's honestly very shaky and probably even easier to push him back into the miserable state he's been in. he's still not happy, but the dam breaking is revealing all the other small fissures, all of the small cracks that really show just how much stahn has been trying to do for leon this whole time.
he raises his head to look at leon, regardless of whether or not leon elects to meet his gaze.]
Believe in me this time, Leon. I'm not leaving you behind, no matter what. [even if it means going out of his way to find a place where leon can live and exist, even if it's in their word and they have to do something to reinvent him. even if it's another world entirely where he can have a family, or friends and just not be alone...
stahn doesn't want to give up on that. he wants to do this, he wants to be able to help leon at least once in their lives.]
Please... [he pleads, and it's not just for leon to believe in him. it's also for leon to stop acting like it's better for them to keep their distance.
because to stahn, it's obvious it's only hurting them both more, and he's sick to death of seeing leon hurt.]
[When Stahn releases him, Leon steps back as well, half a stumbling step and then he meets Stahn's eyes, startled by the speech he's giving. It's... certainly a lot to absorb, but in a lot of ways, he can't say he's surprised by it. Isn't this how Stahn had always been? Of course he still believes in him. Of course he wants Leon to live.
Of course he swears he won't leave him behind, even though that's not Stahn's choice.
Leon's out of anger, though. He's tired. He's beaten down by everything that's happened here, on top of everything that happened back home. He's been trying so hard to put a brave face on things, to deal with them with poise and grace and handle them as they come but he just...
Can't anymore.
So he meets Stahn's eyes, and his expression is just weary. What else can he possibly do, when he knows that Stahn's wrong? Not through any fault of his own, of course; Leon's beginning to believe that Stahn doesn't have character faults in that way. He's an idiot, and he's airheaded, and he's too giving and too quick to slack off, but he's trustworthy. Dependable. He'd never leave a friend behind.
Isn't that why this is the worst after all?
So Leon breathes out a short huff, almost a dry, humorless laugh.]
It is not a matter of belief. [Leon already believes in Stahn.
He wouldn't have reached for his hand if he didn't. The fact that he died hasn't changed that he believes in him. The things that have happened in Cerealia have done nothing to shake his faith.
But that's not the fact of the matter.]
In the end, you will have to. [In the end, Stahn will have to leave him behind--don't they both know that?] Our world needs you and Dymlos both. There is no way they can win alone. [Rutee, Philia, Woodrow--everyone else as well, they're strong, but they need Stahn, the core heart of the group.
And to go home means to leave Leon behind, even if they're given the choice.]
Do not pretend otherwise. It helps neither of us to do so.
[Even if Leon lives while he's here...even if he tries to embrace his new life (which is so very hard), it's incredibly hard to do so when he has no goal to live towards. He intends to get Stahn home to save their world, of course. But that's just taking them closer to that separation, and then Leon's choices will be...to be alone, or to go back to being dead.
He can't even say he's angry about it--not anymore. He doesn't feel much of anything towards it.
He just knows that it's the truth, and it has to be acknowledged, and it can't be ignored.]
I know. I already know I have to go back there... that I have things to do.... that I'm a Swordian Master and I can abandon my duty to that.
[there's no a shred of hesitation there. even if stahn doesn't make this acknowledgment happily—he already knows to be true. he's not trying to run away from his duties, even if the literal weight of the world is so crushing and his responsibilities are something he still isn't completely equipped to handle.]
I'm not pretending otherwise. [it's a little insulting that leon insinuates that he is. stahn's ideas can be a little half-baked, and even now it isn't as if he has some kind of solid plan for what he wants to do.
but there are some things stahn knows—things that weigh on him just as constantly as his duties do, and maybe that's because to him, it's just another duty. helping a friend—helping his best friend, isn't that one of the most important duties he can have?]
I'm not going to let you go back to... that. [being dead, but stahn won't say those words.]
Even... even if it's not our home, even if that's not possible... there has to be somewhere else.
[he pauses, and his whole body tenses; stahn bites his lip and he realizes that everything he feels... everything he wants to do isn't coming out of his mouth the right way. leon isn't going to take him seriously like this. leon is just going to brush it off as another impossibility if he can't convey his intentions.
but it's hard for stahn, because he's bad at this kind of thing. he's not the smartest, and so much of what he innately wants to do gets lost somewhere between brain and mouth.]
Is it the same... is it leaving you behind if I find a place for you? If there's somewhere you can live and start over again? If there's somewhere that you don't have to hold on to all of those terrible things?
[stahn closes his eyes, and his head dips—it's hard for him to hold onto his composure when he's so desperate to help leon and give him a chance to be happy.]
Even if I can't be there... I think that would be better. For you to live—I would feel better, too.
[he would be able to rest easier knowing that leon could live for himself and find things to be happy about than for him to spend an eternity in the sea, having succumbed to a terrible fate.]
Until then... I won't leave. I don't... I don't want to leave you behind—once was enough. I won't do that again. [there's a heavy guilt he still carries for not being able to save leon. even if it was leon's choice. even if he would chose to do it again.
he was helpless to do anything for leon before, so he's determined to do something for him this time, even if he doesn't know how yet. besides, if he can do that much, won't it be like he's still with leon in some way?
stahn isn't sure, but he wants to believe that.
or maybe he's just being completely selfish, but the whole situation had always been unfair to him.]
[For a moment, the only response to Stahn's words is a pained, conflicted look on Leon's face. One of the things he'd always wanted was to be able to live a proper, full live--in part to spite his father, but mostly to be able to live. On his own terms, free from his father's influence and able to live on his own...that'd bee what he'd wanted. Of course, when he had been imagining it before, he'd been with Marian and had just proven himself on the battlefield instead, and he'd have his knighthood and everything.
The reality now is much different.
The thought of trying to live yet another life in yet another world is daunting. No Stahn, no friends, no Marian. What would he have? What would he do? Even Cerealia was so different, and while he'd been able to adapt, that didn't mean he'd be so lucky a third time.
And did he really deserve it, even so?
He looks away finally, bangs falling over his eyes, shoulders slumping as he sighs. It's definitely a half-baked idea. Stahn doesn't even know if that's possible, and here he is acting as though Leon should be striving for something that they don't even know is possible. In a way, it's cruel, even if Leon knows Stahn's trying so hard to find a solution.
(In a way, it's still being left behind by Stahn, Stahn who cares so much but is still trying to find a way to be rid of him, even if it is just so he can live.)
His feelings are a muddled mess when he finally responds, huffing shortly and without humor.]
There is no guarantee that such a thing is even possible. I do not intend to pin all of my efforts and-- [...hopes] --intentions to something that isn't even within our capabilities.
[There's a beat, and then more slowly and quietly--]
And if it is...what then? Where do you intend for me to go?
[How is he supposed to pick another place to live, just like that, when he'll know no one?]
Do you have anything to lose if you don't pin any efforts on it? We can't know if it's possible if we don't try?
[maybe that's the part stahn understands least of all in leon's logic. does he have anything to lose? if in the end, their failure ends in leon not existing anymore, returning to his fate being dead...
then stahn is the only person that will truly hurt for that failing in the end. leon himself has nothing to lose, because his tragic fate had ensured that. and stahn, more than anything aside his already-decided duties, wants to do this. it's one of the few things remaining that he has conviction about.
even if he doesn't have all the answers leon is trying to pull out of him.]
We can figure out the rest as we go. If you can't come back home [which is where stahn wants him to be the most, more than anything.], then maybe somewhere else. Maybe Otome, or Kashuu, or one of our other friends will be able to help.
[he falls quiet for a moment; he knows it's not the most convincing argument, and he's having an incredibly difficult time finding the words to convey just how much it means to him. it's hard though, because stahn is not innately good at finding answers. he's good at pursuing the ones given to him, the ones he's worked with his friends to find.]
I just... I want you to live, Leon. [considering he never wanted leon to die. and every time he thinks about the idea of a fate where these experiences are fleeting and those chances are taken away, it makes stahn's chest feel like it's being crushed by the weight of dycroft itself.
it's selfish and childish; he's practically saying "live for my sake as much as your own," and in some way, stahn knows it. it's why even if leon looks up, he won't be able to make eye contact with stahn. he's trying so hard, he's racking his brain for answers he hasn't yet found.]
I want you to believe in me. [that's the other selfish request. to believe in stahn. to believe in his reasons and his cause, to believe in his conviction and his desire to find this kind of chance for leon. to believe in knowing that even if they end up separated by worlds, it's not leaving one another behind just as it's not leaving their other friends behind when they go their separate ways.]
And that's something that frightens him far more than anything physical ever could. He died already; he knows what awaits him there. He doesn't want to go back to that, admittedly; the longer he's alive, breathing, content, the less he wants to go back to that watery grave under the ocean.
But he's afraid of getting his hopes up and having them dashed. What if he does? What if he does try for this, and fights so hard to have this, and in the end, they...fail? And he has to go back to that--he thinks the disappointment might be too much to bear, though he supposes he wouldn't have to bear it for long.
He'd be dead, after all.
(He can't touch the thought of going back with Otome or Kashuu--there's the chance they wouldn't even want him around, and he can't bring himself to even consider the possibility.
It'd be too good to be true.)]
I...
[He does believe Stahn. He's always believed in Stahn, from the moment Stahn proved how much he cared onward, because he'd really never let Leon down. Leon had let Stahn down in a number of ways, but the reverse had never been true.]
...Don't ask for something so unnecessary. [He already believes in Stahn, so why would Stahn have to ask for it?]
As for the rest, I... [... What is he supposed to do with it?] ...Should you find evidence that such a thing could be possible, then maybe I... [... Maybe he could believe in it.
[it's a little hard for stahn to tell what leon means by those words. "don't ask for something so unnecessary."
he isn't sure if he means that his request for leon to live is unnecessary, or if has to do with believing in him. stahn's head is a little jumbled from everything—from what's been plaguing him in the past days and weeks, and what's being said right now.
if he meant the believing part, was it because leon already believed in him? or was it because he thought it was stupid to believe in stahn—stahn had already failed him a couple of times, after all. at least, that's the way stahn views it. his head dips a little as he tries to process that, and it's not until leon continues what he has to say that he realizes what it is leon means.
it... it did mean that leon believed in him right? that the goals he was setting out to achieve, that leon believed in how badly stahn wanted them, and how hard he would work to try and find those answers?]
I'm going to find it. As long as there's a way... I'm going to find it. [though his tone is shaky and teeters a bit just from the emotional nature of the conversation, the conviction in his voice speaks volumes about how much stahn wants this.] But we won't know what we can do if we don't try.
If we don't try at all... I couldn't forgive myself for it. [he's having a hard enough time forgiving the fact that he didn't—that he couldn't do more to prevent leon from dying in the first place.] Besides... we've already done so many things that should be impossible, so... There has to be a way.
[so believe in him wholly, leon. believe in the efforts he'll make, and how hard he'll work at trying to find out whatever he can in order to ensure that when this is over, leon has somehwere to go; that he doesn't have to live this way where every day seems like a struggle because he thinks he has nothing else to live for.
stahn doesn't want any of that for his best friend, so he'll do what it takes to try and change that fate.]
[It's hard not to believe in Stahn when he speaks like this. When he speaks with such conviction, such belief and so much determination, it's hard to not believe in him. This is Stahn, after all. This is the person Leon trusts to save the world in his stead.
Shakily, he draws in a breath and lets it out again, and then his shoulders slump a little. It's exhausting to keep fighting it, after all--when this is the sort of thing that maybe...maybe he could let himself believe in.
Maybe he could believe in and hope for this, and it would all be okay.
Wouldn't that be a thought?
So...Leon doesn't deny it. He can't really deny it anymore, not when Stahn's determined. So--]
... As I've said. Should you find evidence that such a thing is possible, then I...will also put my faith in that.
[If Stahn can give him that much...then Leon will put all of his effort into that as well.]
[somehow, it feels just the slightest bit easier when leon isn't fighting him tooth and nail on this. even if he knows this is probably not the last of it... even if he knows that leon doesn't believe in him enough to have faith in being possible...
it's a little easier to not have to fight about it. it's one less point of real conflict.]
Even if it doesn't seem possible... I won't stop until there's a way. So just... believe in me. [that's all stahn can ask of him right now.
well, aside from:]
Until then... don't treat your life like it's worthless. [well, don't do so afterwards either, but he's so tired of feeling like leon doesn't care about being alive.] It's something precious... life. Your life. Anyone's life.
[he's so sick and tired of loss. he's so tired of the pain that comes with loss. he's so tired of people throwing their lives away so easily and treating it like that should be something easy to do. even if that's the job of a soldier—to be ready to give their life.
something like that should still have weight.
that's why it bothers stahn. that's why even plunging dymlos through the robots was so difficult; they weren't real, but they acted as if they could truly feel, and it physically felt the same as if they'd been real people. he's been evaluating these things a bit in the time he's spent alone.
it's not too much to ask, is it? to ask leon to treat his own life with the same care that he treated the lives of the people he cared about? stahn doesn't think so, but it's difficult for him to tell these days with leon.]
[Don't treat his life like it's worthless? Easier said than done, certainly, but... Leon's tired of fighting Stahn on this, too. So he isn't looking for a fight when he lifts his gaze, meeting Stahn's eyes tiredly. He's not looking for a fight at all--he's just trying to sincerely figure this out.
How is he supposed to suddenly care about what happens to his life here? Maybe... maybe if he had some sort of guarantee... but even then, he doesn't really deserve it and he knows it.
It's hard, and he's never been good at that sort of thing. Avoidance was always his method of choice for dealing with that.]
... And how am I to do that?
[It's a sincere question. How will Stahn accept "not treating his life like it's worthless"? Because right now, he doesn't feel it, but he can at least mimic the actions... until he does.]
[for a moment, stahn looks at leon, puzzled. it's puzzling to him simply because it's the first time he's heard leon ask something like that so sincerely.
it's not an easy question to answer, either. every life has value, but... how can stahn decide that for leon? he can't really decide for someone else what gives their life worth; he just knows that the flippant way leon treats things definitely feels like he's waiting to die again.]
I... can't say for sure. You don't find worth in the same things I do, right? But I think...
[he pauses, trying to find the words. stahn's not too good at this either. as much as he wants to get through to leon, he really doesn't have the tools or the vocabulary to really convey everything he'd like to.]
You should think about the people who care about you. Remember... how sad they would be if you gave your life up so easily. [stahn is thinking about people like otome, and of their friends back home; of rutee, and of marian too. but stahn is also thinking about himself—even thinking about losing leon a second time causes a deep ache in his chest, and that sense of loss is visible in his expression.]
You have a chance, and... [this is the part that's hardest for him to say.]
...Dying isn't a way to make up for mistakes. Nobody else gets anything from it but pain. So you need to live. You need to live and find a way that means something. [that sounds harsh, doesn't it? but stahn realizes that, so he'll soften it up with some sincerity.]
I don't think you need to... repent or apologize. But... if it's something you feel like you need to do, Leon... then do it. But do it the right way, don't just think giving up your life is going to ever make things better for anyone else.
[it's so hard for stahn to say that, but it's the truth. of course, what stahn isn't saying is that choosing to die a second time, not being willing to find value in hs life because he "deserves" death is cowardly. it's running away, and stahn thinks too highly of leon to let him live out his days in that sort of state.]
[Dying isn't a way to make up for mistakes--isn't that the truth. If there's anything this entire experience has made plain, it's that. It's that dying had resolved nothing, and is simply now coming back to bite him. It's that dying was really honestly one of the worst things that could have happened, even if Leon still would have made the same choices.
Because he saved them, and that was important.
But on the other hand...
He can really see that this...was a problem from start to finish. Do it the right way, Stahn says, but Leon doesn't know what the right way is, and there wasn't an easy answer for how he should continue to live his life now, but that would've been too easy, wouldn't it? If it was that easy, Leon would have found it already.
But what he does know is that he's also tired of constantly fighting against Stahn's efforts.
He sighs softly, looking away, but ultimately ends up nodding shortly. He understands. He can't say much, and he doesn't know even now how to make his life mean something here now, but...he at least understands where Stahn's coming from, and he won't argue against that.]
[stahn finds himself breathing out a shaky sigh. it's hard to tell if it's tired or it's relief—maybe it's a bit of both. but leon seems to understand what he means, and he's not fighting it. for what feels like the first time in months, they're not fighting over this topic, and maybe for that reason, stahn does feel relief.
all he wants to do more than anything beyond what needs to be done back on their world is help leon. it's hard to help, though, when leon is so adamant about pushing away his efforts and trying to cause distance between. it had felt like so many steps backwards from the strides they'd made on their journey together...
so for the first time in a while, it feels like they're actually taking a step forward.]
...Thank you, Leon. [thank you for not fighting him. thank you for understanding. thank you for being here.
it hardly solves all of their problems, and stahn himself is still dealing with the weighted guilt for how things he's let happen to leon rather than actually being able to protect him from the worst of things that have gone on.]
[It really is a relief to finally not be fighting. They've been grating against each other bit by bit for the months they've been here, never on the same page, always having the wrong expectations of each other.
Finally, maybe, they're closer to where they were before everything went wrong.
Quietly, Leon glances away. He still doesn't think Stahn should be thanking him for anything--if anything, he should be the one thanking Stahn. Those words get caught before they escape his tongue, though, and instead all he gets is a quiet sigh before he finally allows his eyes to slide shut.
He's still exhausted; these conversations take a lot out of both of them. But...at least they can move on.]
I know. [Stahn will always do everything in his power for Leon--Leon knows that much by now.] ... We were taking a walk. Is there anywhere you wish to go?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He doesn't like it.
Leon grimaces in response to that, looking away sharply. Otome would probably be hurt by it, yes. Maybe Kashuu, maybe Rise. He doesn't know. But he knows that he's not ready to acknowledge that fact even so. That people might care about him-- no.]
Very well then. [If they're hurt by it--then fine.] Even if it is as you say...that would only be for the better.
[If they don't like him anymore, if they're hurt by him, it'll be for the better.
(right?)]
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[it's hard for stahn to believe that. he knows that leon keeps people at arm's length, and he understands why. but he can't fathom the idea of thinking it's good, okay, or better somehow to intentionally cause hurt to them.]
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[That's snapped out immediately, and it's really the root of the problem. He keeps people at arm's length for so many reasons, but lately there's been another added to it--that people who stay by him get hurt. It's a recurring thing that he doesn't like, so if they're that soft...
They should stay away from him if they don't want to be hurt.]
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...That's not true at all. [stahn says that firmly, shaking his head. it's not a mentality stahn can stand behind in the least.]
You can't say people shouldn't be around you just because they care enough to be worried, or would be hurt by you being willing to hurt them.
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[So there!! He can too say it!!
But he's looking rather displeased by Stahn's insistence on this--probably unsurprisingly. He frowns tensely in response, giving Stahn the flattest possible look.]
Is that not reasonable? If they would be hurt by my actions, personality or beliefs, they should befriend someone else. It is quite clear that there are plenty of overly friendly, idiotically cheerful people here for them to inflict their company upon. They should simply leave me alone.
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["i care about you," remains unspoken, because it's a given. but when leon gets this staunchly aggressive in his word choice and makes it seem like the right thing to do is to somehow avoid him...
well, stahn can't abide by that. so maybe as they progress, he's projecting a little more of his own feeling onto this than intended. but stahn can't help it, not when it can be so downright frustrating to watch leon push his friends away just as he did back then. hadn't he learned anything from their experiences? didn't he want to grow at all?]
Trying to hurt people to keep them away... it doesn't work, Leon. You can't choose who cares about you.
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Why would they keep bothering?
He doesn't get it.]
They shouldn't. [They shouldn't care.] It is not my fault if they decide for some nonsensical reason to attach themselves to me! I have not changed my behavior [...Right? (No, he's changed, he just doesn't realize that he's gotten softer)] so if they insist on clinging even so, they should be well-aware of what they will receive in return from me.
[It's not fair, he thinks, that he's expected to be different just because people want to like him.]
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[this is aggravating. stahn tends to be fairly tolerant of leon's attitude, but the fact of the matter is that he's still going out of his way to be hurtful to others. doing so intentionally just to keep people at arm's length isn't something stahn will sit by and tolerate.
he's not saying leon needs to be close to those people, but stahn himself... he's tired of being pushed away. even when he does his best to respect leon's boundaries, it still feels like leon refuses to give him even an inch, and it's a serious regression from how things used to be.]
You weren't like this before. Back then... even when you were harsh, you had a good reason for it. You didn't say things you know would hurt people just so they would leave you alone.
[if nobody else is going to call leon on his shit, then stahn will do it himself. even if he hates doing it like this, and even if it's hurting him.
it's the worst for stahn too, because he wants to help leon more than anyone else in cerealia ever possibly could. but with the way things have been, they can't even carry on a conversation the way they used to.] Even us... even we don't get along the same. Nothing should have changed—You're still you, and I'm still me, so...
[why is it always so hard? why does everything end up being a fight now? he's not sure if he's sad or angry about this topic shift, honestly.]
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[The words escape him before he can even think of stopping them, frustrated as he is by Stahn's words. He wasn't like this before? Yeah, he wasn't, it's true. Before, he'd had some hope that things would be alright. The last time Stahn had properly talked to him, Leon had believed that he could be more than he was, and he'd been a fool for it.
Everything had gone wrong from there, and the next time they'd spoken, it'd been across blades.
Now? Why should he want to be close to anyone now? He's firmly realized that there's no point to it--he's dead, and he will return to being dead soon enough. This is a temporary arrangement at best, so there's truly no point in expecting anything more from it. And even more than that... it's only caused trouble for everyone. For Marian--knowing him had almost gotten her killed. He'll never forget the sickening drop in his gut when he'd heard that she'd attempted to kill herself. Because of him.
And now? Here's Stahn, smile gone, attempting so hard to stick by him even though he has no reason to, even though it has caused Stahn only trouble, and Leon knows that he would be better off if he just gave up on it. But he doesn't.
Nobody does, and he...feels a little defeated by the thought, anger leaving in one big rush, even as his shoulders slump a little and he looks away.]
Do not...pretend as though you know all of my reasons for what I do and say. Don't act as though I am doing what I do for no reason at all. [That's offensive, really--an affront to him, who always does have reasons, even if they're not always sound ones.] I do not want to deal with this any longer.
[All of this...struggle over emotions and feelings. This difficult business of trying to understand how to interact with people when he doesn't get it at all. He's so tired, and sometimes, that bleeds through despite his best efforts, and it's bleeding through now, tone weary.]
The situation would be simpler if I were left alone.
[He'd be unbearably lonely, but it would still be so much simpler, and so much better for everyone involved; he truly believes that.]
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he wants him to be comfortable, he wants him to have second chances, he wants him to have things to live for and reasons to push forward. everything went so wrong in the past, and it eats stahn alive constantly that things went as they did—that leon didn't trust him enough to come to him when things started going bad, that he shouldered burdens heavy enough to take on being a traitor to both his country and the world for the sake of one person he cares about, that in the end... stahn couldn't even save him even when leon clearly wanted to be saved.
leon didn't want to betray them. he wanted to leave with them, and if he had been able to, things would have been different. he could have avoided the worst of his fate of being branded a traitor because of hugo's manipulations. stahn knows that right to the end, leon wanted to try to right things, and that meant not pushing away his friends and fighting alongside them.
so for leon to be so adamant about how different things were while pushing everyone away—while pushing stahn away hurts him the most. because for stahn, all he wants to do is help his best friend, but he just continues to be useless and helpless every single time leon acts up, gets angry and pushes him away. they're at the point where they can't even have a comfortable conversation with things getting tense, and even though stahn had spilled a lot of his feelings to otome... he's reached the point where he can't hold back.
but the angry protest dies in his throat when leon continues to speak, because leon's own has slipped away. and stahn can hear it.
he can hear all the notes that leon tries to hold back.
he hears leon's exhaustion.
and moreover, he hears leon's loneliness.]
....
[he exhales quietly as he processes what's happening, what's being said. he can't even keep walking, because it's honestly a bit overwhelming. leon is so lonely, but he's trying to isolate himself further. he's trying to make sure nobody else gets hurt because his situation is so strange and fleeting.
it's like he's completely given up on life even though he's standing there breathing the same air, and it makes stahn's chest tighten in a way he can't quite understand. it hurts. it hurts him so much that he feels like he could die, because he doesn't know how to help. he's never been able to help leon, not once and it's the worst feeling.
he's the worst best friend, isn't he?
but all the sentiments expressed here and now, along with the building feelings of helplessness and sadness that have come from both his grieving back home and the trouble they've encountered in cerealia is breaking the dam wide open.
as ever, stahn acts on his emotions more than what his mind can process, and that's why he's suddenly closing a tense gap hat remains between them, pulling leon into a desperate hug with absolutely little regard for where they are or anything else. he knows deep down that he is crossing boundaries that leon has set—that leon hates being touched and this is the most inappropriate time. he can't stop himself from doing that, and what follows are some quiet, choked out words that still manage to be so fierce and full of conviction.]
I'm not going to leave you alone. As long as you're here, as long as you're breathing, I'm not going to leave you alone, Leon.
[his words are raw and sincere, and it comes from a place of loving his friend so much and wanting to do what little he can.
if all he can do is find a way to ease that loneliness? it's what he'll do. but stahn knows he can't give up, no matter how much leon protests. not now.]
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He cares about Stahn, and that's why this is wearing him down. He hates fighting with Stahn, who is the only connection to a world that he's resigned to having forsaken. Stahn, who was so determined to be his friend even now.
Pushing him away feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy of loneliness, but he can't help it, either. This is where he is now. This is all he can do.
... But instead of yelling and getting upset, Stahn's suddenly closing the gap between them so quickly that Leon doesn't even have the chance to react, and then he's wrapped in a tight hug, Stahn's arms tight around him, and for a moment Leon's breathless, throat tight.
How is it that of all people, every time Leon tries to push Stahn away, he responds by coming even closer? He doesn't understand it at all, but for a moment it's so hard to think of how to respond, or to do anything but listen to Stahn and feel his throat tighten further. It's so hard to swallow like this, and he's tense at the closeness, but he's also...just that little bit relieved.
It's hard not to be relieved that Stahn...will never leave him, no matter what he says or does.
But when Leon finally finds his voice, if somewhat jaggedly, all he can say is:]
Let... let go of me.
[He looks away, hair hiding his face, because he doesn't deserve this, and he's not even sure that it's for the better to have it... but he wants Stahn to not leave him behind anyway.
Not yet.
Not until there's no other choice. When they find a way home...then Stahn will have to leave him behind, but not a moment before then, because even thinking of that time is a pang of loneliness so potent that Leon almost finds it impossible to breathe.
Let go of him, but...don't leave him behind.]
Honestly, you're... being utterly ridiculous. [He can't help how shaky his tone is, because he's at a total, utter loss now.] This is why people like you... this is why I cannot tolerate...
[... He can't even finish that sentence, can he? All he can really do is hang his head in defeat instead, and say, instead, quietly:]
... Just let me go.
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leon, who was so uncomfortable with anyone touching him because of his past. leon, who bristled at anything that seemed remotely caring or affectionate from his friends. it's a line that stahn crossed—but it's a like he felt like he needed to cross. he couldn't control it.
stahn knows that he isn't great with words, and for all that he tries to convey his most sincere feelings... sometimes it's not enough. with leon especially, who manages to find ways to twist his intent and get angry at stahn for caring, it never feels like enough. it's just something else that seems to get lost in translation, something else he fails at conveying every single time.]
Learn. Learn how to tolerate it. [stahn will say after a few long, heavy, silent moments. his own voice is quiet and shaky. his eyes are trained on his feet for the moment while he finds the resolve to say what he feels.
he'd acted impulsively, but it doesn't change that he means what he says.]
I'm not going to give up. Not on you, not on finding a way—some way—for you. You have this chance, so you have to live.
[it's something he's so desperate to convey.] I don't know what the other people you know will do, Leon. But... I didn't give up on you then. Even when everything happened, I always believed in you. I still believe in you, so...
[stahn is finding his resolve a bit, though it's honestly very shaky and probably even easier to push him back into the miserable state he's been in. he's still not happy, but the dam breaking is revealing all the other small fissures, all of the small cracks that really show just how much stahn has been trying to do for leon this whole time.
he raises his head to look at leon, regardless of whether or not leon elects to meet his gaze.]
Believe in me this time, Leon. I'm not leaving you behind, no matter what. [even if it means going out of his way to find a place where leon can live and exist, even if it's in their word and they have to do something to reinvent him. even if it's another world entirely where he can have a family, or friends and just not be alone...
stahn doesn't want to give up on that. he wants to do this, he wants to be able to help leon at least once in their lives.]
Please... [he pleads, and it's not just for leon to believe in him. it's also for leon to stop acting like it's better for them to keep their distance.
because to stahn, it's obvious it's only hurting them both more, and he's sick to death of seeing leon hurt.]
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Of course he swears he won't leave him behind, even though that's not Stahn's choice.
Leon's out of anger, though. He's tired. He's beaten down by everything that's happened here, on top of everything that happened back home. He's been trying so hard to put a brave face on things, to deal with them with poise and grace and handle them as they come but he just...
Can't anymore.
So he meets Stahn's eyes, and his expression is just weary. What else can he possibly do, when he knows that Stahn's wrong? Not through any fault of his own, of course; Leon's beginning to believe that Stahn doesn't have character faults in that way. He's an idiot, and he's airheaded, and he's too giving and too quick to slack off, but he's trustworthy. Dependable. He'd never leave a friend behind.
Isn't that why this is the worst after all?
So Leon breathes out a short huff, almost a dry, humorless laugh.]
It is not a matter of belief. [Leon already believes in Stahn.
He wouldn't have reached for his hand if he didn't. The fact that he died hasn't changed that he believes in him. The things that have happened in Cerealia have done nothing to shake his faith.
But that's not the fact of the matter.]
In the end, you will have to. [In the end, Stahn will have to leave him behind--don't they both know that?] Our world needs you and Dymlos both. There is no way they can win alone. [Rutee, Philia, Woodrow--everyone else as well, they're strong, but they need Stahn, the core heart of the group.
And to go home means to leave Leon behind, even if they're given the choice.]
Do not pretend otherwise. It helps neither of us to do so.
[Even if Leon lives while he's here...even if he tries to embrace his new life (which is so very hard), it's incredibly hard to do so when he has no goal to live towards. He intends to get Stahn home to save their world, of course. But that's just taking them closer to that separation, and then Leon's choices will be...to be alone, or to go back to being dead.
He can't even say he's angry about it--not anymore. He doesn't feel much of anything towards it.
He just knows that it's the truth, and it has to be acknowledged, and it can't be ignored.]
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[there's no a shred of hesitation there. even if stahn doesn't make this acknowledgment happily—he already knows to be true. he's not trying to run away from his duties, even if the literal weight of the world is so crushing and his responsibilities are something he still isn't completely equipped to handle.]
I'm not pretending otherwise. [it's a little insulting that leon insinuates that he is. stahn's ideas can be a little half-baked, and even now it isn't as if he has some kind of solid plan for what he wants to do.
but there are some things stahn knows—things that weigh on him just as constantly as his duties do, and maybe that's because to him, it's just another duty. helping a friend—helping his best friend, isn't that one of the most important duties he can have?]
I'm not going to let you go back to... that. [being dead, but stahn won't say those words.]
Even... even if it's not our home, even if that's not possible... there has to be somewhere else.
[he pauses, and his whole body tenses; stahn bites his lip and he realizes that everything he feels... everything he wants to do isn't coming out of his mouth the right way. leon isn't going to take him seriously like this. leon is just going to brush it off as another impossibility if he can't convey his intentions.
but it's hard for stahn, because he's bad at this kind of thing. he's not the smartest, and so much of what he innately wants to do gets lost somewhere between brain and mouth.]
Is it the same... is it leaving you behind if I find a place for you? If there's somewhere you can live and start over again? If there's somewhere that you don't have to hold on to all of those terrible things?
[stahn closes his eyes, and his head dips—it's hard for him to hold onto his composure when he's so desperate to help leon and give him a chance to be happy.]
Even if I can't be there... I think that would be better. For you to live—I would feel better, too.
[he would be able to rest easier knowing that leon could live for himself and find things to be happy about than for him to spend an eternity in the sea, having succumbed to a terrible fate.]
Until then... I won't leave. I don't... I don't want to leave you behind—once was enough. I won't do that again. [there's a heavy guilt he still carries for not being able to save leon. even if it was leon's choice. even if he would chose to do it again.
he was helpless to do anything for leon before, so he's determined to do something for him this time, even if he doesn't know how yet. besides, if he can do that much, won't it be like he's still with leon in some way?
stahn isn't sure, but he wants to believe that.
or maybe he's just being completely selfish, but the whole situation had always been unfair to him.]
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The reality now is much different.
The thought of trying to live yet another life in yet another world is daunting. No Stahn, no friends, no Marian. What would he have? What would he do? Even Cerealia was so different, and while he'd been able to adapt, that didn't mean he'd be so lucky a third time.
And did he really deserve it, even so?
He looks away finally, bangs falling over his eyes, shoulders slumping as he sighs. It's definitely a half-baked idea. Stahn doesn't even know if that's possible, and here he is acting as though Leon should be striving for something that they don't even know is possible. In a way, it's cruel, even if Leon knows Stahn's trying so hard to find a solution.
(In a way, it's still being left behind by Stahn, Stahn who cares so much but is still trying to find a way to be rid of him, even if it is just so he can live.)
His feelings are a muddled mess when he finally responds, huffing shortly and without humor.]
There is no guarantee that such a thing is even possible. I do not intend to pin all of my efforts and-- [...hopes] --intentions to something that isn't even within our capabilities.
[There's a beat, and then more slowly and quietly--]
And if it is...what then? Where do you intend for me to go?
[How is he supposed to pick another place to live, just like that, when he'll know no one?]
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[maybe that's the part stahn understands least of all in leon's logic. does he have anything to lose? if in the end, their failure ends in leon not existing anymore, returning to his fate being dead...
then stahn is the only person that will truly hurt for that failing in the end. leon himself has nothing to lose, because his tragic fate had ensured that. and stahn, more than anything aside his already-decided duties, wants to do this. it's one of the few things remaining that he has conviction about.
even if he doesn't have all the answers leon is trying to pull out of him.]
We can figure out the rest as we go. If you can't come back home [which is where stahn wants him to be the most, more than anything.], then maybe somewhere else. Maybe Otome, or Kashuu, or one of our other friends will be able to help.
[he falls quiet for a moment; he knows it's not the most convincing argument, and he's having an incredibly difficult time finding the words to convey just how much it means to him. it's hard though, because stahn is not innately good at finding answers. he's good at pursuing the ones given to him, the ones he's worked with his friends to find.]
I just... I want you to live, Leon. [considering he never wanted leon to die. and every time he thinks about the idea of a fate where these experiences are fleeting and those chances are taken away, it makes stahn's chest feel like it's being crushed by the weight of dycroft itself.
it's selfish and childish; he's practically saying "live for my sake as much as your own," and in some way, stahn knows it. it's why even if leon looks up, he won't be able to make eye contact with stahn. he's trying so hard, he's racking his brain for answers he hasn't yet found.]
I want you to believe in me. [that's the other selfish request. to believe in stahn. to believe in his reasons and his cause, to believe in his conviction and his desire to find this kind of chance for leon. to believe in knowing that even if they end up separated by worlds, it's not leaving one another behind just as it's not leaving their other friends behind when they go their separate ways.]
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He...could be disappointed.
And that's something that frightens him far more than anything physical ever could. He died already; he knows what awaits him there. He doesn't want to go back to that, admittedly; the longer he's alive, breathing, content, the less he wants to go back to that watery grave under the ocean.
But he's afraid of getting his hopes up and having them dashed. What if he does? What if he does try for this, and fights so hard to have this, and in the end, they...fail? And he has to go back to that--he thinks the disappointment might be too much to bear, though he supposes he wouldn't have to bear it for long.
He'd be dead, after all.
(He can't touch the thought of going back with Otome or Kashuu--there's the chance they wouldn't even want him around, and he can't bring himself to even consider the possibility.
It'd be too good to be true.)]
I...
[He does believe Stahn. He's always believed in Stahn, from the moment Stahn proved how much he cared onward, because he'd really never let Leon down. Leon had let Stahn down in a number of ways, but the reverse had never been true.]
...Don't ask for something so unnecessary. [He already believes in Stahn, so why would Stahn have to ask for it?]
As for the rest, I... [... What is he supposed to do with it?] ...Should you find evidence that such a thing could be possible, then maybe I... [... Maybe he could believe in it.
Maybe he'd try.]
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he isn't sure if he means that his request for leon to live is unnecessary, or if has to do with believing in him. stahn's head is a little jumbled from everything—from what's been plaguing him in the past days and weeks, and what's being said right now.
if he meant the believing part, was it because leon already believed in him? or was it because he thought it was stupid to believe in stahn—stahn had already failed him a couple of times, after all. at least, that's the way stahn views it. his head dips a little as he tries to process that, and it's not until leon continues what he has to say that he realizes what it is leon means.
it... it did mean that leon believed in him right? that the goals he was setting out to achieve, that leon believed in how badly stahn wanted them, and how hard he would work to try and find those answers?]
I'm going to find it. As long as there's a way... I'm going to find it. [though his tone is shaky and teeters a bit just from the emotional nature of the conversation, the conviction in his voice speaks volumes about how much stahn wants this.] But we won't know what we can do if we don't try.
If we don't try at all... I couldn't forgive myself for it. [he's having a hard enough time forgiving the fact that he didn't—that he couldn't do more to prevent leon from dying in the first place.] Besides... we've already done so many things that should be impossible, so... There has to be a way.
[so believe in him wholly, leon. believe in the efforts he'll make, and how hard he'll work at trying to find out whatever he can in order to ensure that when this is over, leon has somehwere to go; that he doesn't have to live this way where every day seems like a struggle because he thinks he has nothing else to live for.
stahn doesn't want any of that for his best friend, so he'll do what it takes to try and change that fate.]
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Shakily, he draws in a breath and lets it out again, and then his shoulders slump a little. It's exhausting to keep fighting it, after all--when this is the sort of thing that maybe...maybe he could let himself believe in.
Maybe he could believe in and hope for this, and it would all be okay.
Wouldn't that be a thought?
So...Leon doesn't deny it. He can't really deny it anymore, not when Stahn's determined. So--]
... As I've said. Should you find evidence that such a thing is possible, then I...will also put my faith in that.
[If Stahn can give him that much...then Leon will put all of his effort into that as well.]
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it's a little easier to not have to fight about it. it's one less point of real conflict.]
Even if it doesn't seem possible... I won't stop until there's a way. So just... believe in me. [that's all stahn can ask of him right now.
well, aside from:]
Until then... don't treat your life like it's worthless. [well, don't do so afterwards either, but he's so tired of feeling like leon doesn't care about being alive.] It's something precious... life. Your life. Anyone's life.
[he's so sick and tired of loss. he's so tired of the pain that comes with loss. he's so tired of people throwing their lives away so easily and treating it like that should be something easy to do. even if that's the job of a soldier—to be ready to give their life.
something like that should still have weight.
that's why it bothers stahn. that's why even plunging dymlos through the robots was so difficult; they weren't real, but they acted as if they could truly feel, and it physically felt the same as if they'd been real people. he's been evaluating these things a bit in the time he's spent alone.
it's not too much to ask, is it? to ask leon to treat his own life with the same care that he treated the lives of the people he cared about? stahn doesn't think so, but it's difficult for him to tell these days with leon.]
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How is he supposed to suddenly care about what happens to his life here? Maybe... maybe if he had some sort of guarantee... but even then, he doesn't really deserve it and he knows it.
It's hard, and he's never been good at that sort of thing. Avoidance was always his method of choice for dealing with that.]
... And how am I to do that?
[It's a sincere question. How will Stahn accept "not treating his life like it's worthless"? Because right now, he doesn't feel it, but he can at least mimic the actions... until he does.]
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it's not an easy question to answer, either. every life has value, but... how can stahn decide that for leon? he can't really decide for someone else what gives their life worth; he just knows that the flippant way leon treats things definitely feels like he's waiting to die again.]
I... can't say for sure. You don't find worth in the same things I do, right? But I think...
[he pauses, trying to find the words. stahn's not too good at this either. as much as he wants to get through to leon, he really doesn't have the tools or the vocabulary to really convey everything he'd like to.]
You should think about the people who care about you. Remember... how sad they would be if you gave your life up so easily. [stahn is thinking about people like otome, and of their friends back home; of rutee, and of marian too. but stahn is also thinking about himself—even thinking about losing leon a second time causes a deep ache in his chest, and that sense of loss is visible in his expression.]
You have a chance, and... [this is the part that's hardest for him to say.]
...Dying isn't a way to make up for mistakes. Nobody else gets anything from it but pain. So you need to live. You need to live and find a way that means something. [that sounds harsh, doesn't it? but stahn realizes that, so he'll soften it up with some sincerity.]
I don't think you need to... repent or apologize. But... if it's something you feel like you need to do, Leon... then do it. But do it the right way, don't just think giving up your life is going to ever make things better for anyone else.
[it's so hard for stahn to say that, but it's the truth. of course, what stahn isn't saying is that choosing to die a second time, not being willing to find value in hs life because he "deserves" death is cowardly. it's running away, and stahn thinks too highly of leon to let him live out his days in that sort of state.]
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Because he saved them, and that was important.
But on the other hand...
He can really see that this...was a problem from start to finish. Do it the right way, Stahn says, but Leon doesn't know what the right way is, and there wasn't an easy answer for how he should continue to live his life now, but that would've been too easy, wouldn't it? If it was that easy, Leon would have found it already.
But what he does know is that he's also tired of constantly fighting against Stahn's efforts.
He sighs softly, looking away, but ultimately ends up nodding shortly. He understands. He can't say much, and he doesn't know even now how to make his life mean something here now, but...he at least understands where Stahn's coming from, and he won't argue against that.]
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all he wants to do more than anything beyond what needs to be done back on their world is help leon. it's hard to help, though, when leon is so adamant about pushing away his efforts and trying to cause distance between. it had felt like so many steps backwards from the strides they'd made on their journey together...
so for the first time in a while, it feels like they're actually taking a step forward.]
...Thank you, Leon. [thank you for not fighting him. thank you for understanding. thank you for being here.
it hardly solves all of their problems, and stahn himself is still dealing with the weighted guilt for how things he's let happen to leon rather than actually being able to protect him from the worst of things that have gone on.]
However I can.... I'll help.
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Finally, maybe, they're closer to where they were before everything went wrong.
Quietly, Leon glances away. He still doesn't think Stahn should be thanking him for anything--if anything, he should be the one thanking Stahn. Those words get caught before they escape his tongue, though, and instead all he gets is a quiet sigh before he finally allows his eyes to slide shut.
He's still exhausted; these conversations take a lot out of both of them. But...at least they can move on.]
I know. [Stahn will always do everything in his power for Leon--Leon knows that much by now.] ... We were taking a walk. Is there anywhere you wish to go?
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