[stahn notices that, but he also notices the impatience. so stahn agrees without much of a fight, though he also doesn't look particularly excited about it like he normally would be.
clearly, this has affected them a lot more than either of them cares to admit. but stahn will still pull himself to his feet, still keeping a bit of distance and giving leon a curious look.]
...Are you feeling better now? [about his.. touch urges, at least. that's the implication here.]
[Instant, immediate, but...also sincere enough. He's fine, and he's feeling more like himself, which is why Leon can ever come this close without bristling at all.]
[it's a statement he means sincerely, even if that melancholy still hangs in his voice. it's less to do with what leon is saying and more what stahn has been feeling, but he's not thinking much about it himself.
instead, stahn is pulling himself to his feet.]
Is there somewhere you wanted to go? [he shifts the topic back to what leon initially propositioned him for—there's no reason to dwell on that other topic; he knows leon doesn't want to talk about that, anyway.]
[He's glad he's "feeling better" (or, rather, more like himself) too, but he's definitely not going to bring that up. Instead, he glances at Stahn, before looking away, making a quiet huffing noise under his breath without much in the way of vitriol.]
Not as such, no.
[You're being propositioned for a walk, Stahn.
Just a walk.
It's literally so aimless and anti-Leon, and yet here he is, offering up the suggestion while shifting uncomfortably, arms crossed defensively and not meeting Stahn's eyes.]
[it's definitely weird, but... stahn isn't going to say no. and he's not going to call out how weird it is because...
well, leon is trying, isn't he? after everything that happened and how hard things have been for them, he's still taking the first step to try and fix things. he may not know what to do (and it shows), but it speaks volumes to stahn in every way imaginable.
there's a small smile that tugs at the corner of his mouth, because this is it. this is one of those times when stahn feels so justified in why he always staunchly believed in leon. this is why he's always called leon his best friend, and why even when the king of seinegald had labeled him a traitor, stahn still knew that leon was a good person who acted with purpose.
he isn't sure what will happen, or if this will somehow fix things... but it's a start, so stahn can't refuse it.]
That's fine. Wherever you go... I'll follow, then. [which really just means he'll let leon lead the walk, despite whatever meaning it may sound like otherwise.]
[That sounds like the most dramatic declaration in the world, Stahn... Leon just quirks an eyebrow at that, though he'll immediately turn on his heel to start walking then. It's... just a walk!! Who knows if this will fix anything.
But...at least it's a start, right? And it will get them out of this stifling atmosphere, which is important too.
Leon doesn't break the silence until they've hit the Cerealian sidewalks, and then, finally, he offers up a quiet--]
The amount of destruction caused by these robots is impressive. I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that yours were not prone to destructive tendencies.
[it's really not veery good small talk at all, but once again... stahn can recognize that leon is trying here. even with the quiet awkwardness that still hangs in the air until that silence is broken, it counts for something.
he knows it counts for something, so stahn himself has to try. he can't leave this all in leon's hands, especially when it's his own fault things had gotten so unbearably bad in every way. he's blaming himself plenty for the robots, but it's just as much that he could help with leon's problems that he feels terrible about things.]
Yeah. Though.. I think they were still destructive. It was just in a different way, wasn't it? [wanting to take leon's life, talk of going after his other friends—that still counts as being destructive, he thinks.]
He can't argue that, seeing as how he was the subject of some of said destructive tendencies. Still, he doesn't see it being that big of a deal all around (even if, again, he knows better than to say so), and so he just makes a noncommittal, acknowledging noise at that.
Even so.]
Regardless. There were others that were certainly even more troublesome.
[not that it makes things feel any better. they still went way too far, it still caused a lot of people pain, and to be frank—it's not really easy for him to forget the feeling of plunging dymlos through either of them.
even if they were just robots, it didn't feel good. it was still impactful and it still hurt him a lot to have to do.
it leaves him unsure of what to really say or do, not when he's truly still so uncomfortable with how everything happened.]
[... Yeah, this topic isn't working, even Leon can tell that much. Whoops...
He's quiet for a moment, before he tries again, expression frustrated--but it's less because of Stahn and more because of his own inability to do something as basic as create satisfactory small talk.]
...Regardless, that is over and done with. The others seem to be fine as well.
[.........................a heavy beat.]
... Not that I bothered to check on them, but they are loud, so it is impossible to not be aware...!
[this is what happens when things go terribly wrong; when stahn can't get out of his own head long enough to be the sunshine they both need to try and get through a tough time, it makes the whole situation awkward.
he's been holding a lot in for leon's sake as much as his own. when the silence falls in the air, stahn sucks in a breath—he knows he should do better, he knows he should change the subject and set the conversation right. leon is trying, but he's not good at this sort of thing, and stahn knows it. it's unfair to him, isn't it? it's unfair to expect leon to carry the conversation when he's already done so much already to try and right what a messy situation they've gotten themselves into.
but before stahn can actually open his mouth to say anything, leon's begun to speak again and... so very quickly, he's fumbling.
—it's not really a bad thing, even if the brief laughter that comes is a bit at leon's expense. it does seem to brighten stahn up a bit, even if it's just because he knows leon cares about a lot of people a lot more than he admits.] It sounds like you've made a lot of friends, Leon.
[whether leon checked on them, or they checked on leon, it's a good thing.]
[It's definitely been pretty awkward. When Stahn and Leon are both at the top of their game (something that hasn't happened since they arrived here, what with Leon being dead putting a damper on everything), their conversation comes surprisingly easily and calmly. They can discuss things like their plans, swordwork--so many things, without resorting to bickering or butting heads.
For a period of time, things had been like that.
They're not anymore, Leon knows that much. But... that's not something so easily fixed. All he can do is keep trying.
He looks even more flustered and angry in equal parts at the laughter, but he simmers down a little when Stahn speaks--only to look flustered all over again.]
That is-- do not be ridiculous! I have done nothing of the sort! The people here are troublesome and a waste of my time!
Even if you think that... it still sounds like a lot of people care about you.
[stahn had been the one to do most of the checking in with his friends—and some of them he still hadn't even had a chance to speak to yet. but from the sound of it, leon spoke to enough people, whether of his own volition or not.
somehow that, of all things, seems to brighten stahn up just a little bit. it's genuinely relieving to see some kind of expression of care, that people in cerealia have gotten close enough to leon (even if it's not close enough for leon to see friendship in them) that they genuinely care about his well-being, or express their own state of being to keep leon from being concerned.
it's good.
it's really good, and it's one of the things stahn wants most for him.]
I think it's a good thing. [yeah, he's just ignoring that leon is saying that they're troublesome or wastes of time. he knows leon doesn't think that way of everyone in cerealia, after all.]
Stahn says that and Leon instantly rebels against the thought. People caring about him here is not something he wants. He doesn't want people to care or get attached--not when he's dead, not when he never asked for that, not when he doesn't know how to handle it.
He frowns tightly.]
...Shut up. [But it's...not really said with a great deal of force.] I'm not interested in that, so do not make up something that is not happening. I am not making friends.
[Leon, Stahn didn't say anything about friendship that time.]
Even if you're not interested... you can't stop other people from caring, Leon.
[he's still not acknowledging the friendship line. to stahn, they go hand-in-hand, and he's sure that people like kashuu undoubtedly see leon as a friend in just the same way he does.
(okay, maybe not just the same, but still very similarly.)
still, he can't ignore what leon is saying, so he gives his own stance. his tone is quiet and gentle, more explanatory than anything meant to be scolding or condescending in any way.]
The people here are really kind, and most people just want to help each other. It's not easy for anyone here. Not for us... not for them, either. [everyone is struggling just the same.]
I think some people would be upset to hear you say that, though. You can say it to me if you want, but... people like Otome, I think it would hurt them. [by being so staunchly against the notion of people caring for him to the point that he'd make the accusation of it being made up—it's a little too much, even to stahn.]
[This is really not what he wanted when he was trying to make small talk happen. Stahn keeps talking and Leon tenses as he goes, because Stahn's right. There are a lot of people who are kind here--too much so, really. There are a lot of people who act as though they want to be his friend, or be a part of his life.
He doesn't like it.
Leon grimaces in response to that, looking away sharply. Otome would probably be hurt by it, yes. Maybe Kashuu, maybe Rise. He doesn't know. But he knows that he's not ready to acknowledge that fact even so. That people might care about him-- no.]
Very well then. [If they're hurt by it--then fine.] Even if it is as you say...that would only be for the better.
[If they don't like him anymore, if they're hurt by him, it'll be for the better.
You don't really think it's a good thing to just hurt people like that, do you?
[it's hard for stahn to believe that. he knows that leon keeps people at arm's length, and he understands why. but he can't fathom the idea of thinking it's good, okay, or better somehow to intentionally cause hurt to them.]
I believe that anyone capable of being harmed by that should not be around me in the first place.
[That's snapped out immediately, and it's really the root of the problem. He keeps people at arm's length for so many reasons, but lately there's been another added to it--that people who stay by him get hurt. It's a recurring thing that he doesn't like, so if they're that soft...
They should stay away from him if they don't want to be hurt.]
But he's looking rather displeased by Stahn's insistence on this--probably unsurprisingly. He frowns tensely in response, giving Stahn the flattest possible look.]
Is that not reasonable? If they would be hurt by my actions, personality or beliefs, they should befriend someone else. It is quite clear that there are plenty of overly friendly, idiotically cheerful people here for them to inflict their company upon. They should simply leave me alone.
Do you really have to go out of your way to be hurtful, though? Even if there are a lot of nice people around who are willing to be friendly... those people care about you.
["i care about you," remains unspoken, because it's a given. but when leon gets this staunchly aggressive in his word choice and makes it seem like the right thing to do is to somehow avoid him...
well, stahn can't abide by that. so maybe as they progress, he's projecting a little more of his own feeling onto this than intended. but stahn can't help it, not when it can be so downright frustrating to watch leon push his friends away just as he did back then. hadn't he learned anything from their experiences? didn't he want to grow at all?]
Trying to hurt people to keep them away... it doesn't work, Leon. You can't choose who cares about you.
[Yes, of course he does. Of course he has to go out of his way to be hurtful. Why would he want to be anything but hurtful? He doesn't want people hanging around him, so of course he'll try to push them away. The people who don't learn, who refuse to be pushed away... he doesn't understand them.
Why would they keep bothering?
He doesn't get it.]
They shouldn't. [They shouldn't care.] It is not my fault if they decide for some nonsensical reason to attach themselves to me! I have not changed my behavior [...Right? (No, he's changed, he just doesn't realize that he's gotten softer)] so if they insist on clinging even so, they should be well-aware of what they will receive in return from me.
[It's not fair, he thinks, that he's expected to be different just because people want to like him.]
It doesn't matter if you think they shouldn't. They still do, and you don't get to decide that for them.
[this is aggravating. stahn tends to be fairly tolerant of leon's attitude, but the fact of the matter is that he's still going out of his way to be hurtful to others. doing so intentionally just to keep people at arm's length isn't something stahn will sit by and tolerate.
he's not saying leon needs to be close to those people, but stahn himself... he's tired of being pushed away. even when he does his best to respect leon's boundaries, it still feels like leon refuses to give him even an inch, and it's a serious regression from how things used to be.]
You weren't like this before. Back then... even when you were harsh, you had a good reason for it. You didn't say things you know would hurt people just so they would leave you alone.
[if nobody else is going to call leon on his shit, then stahn will do it himself. even if he hates doing it like this, and even if it's hurting him.
it's the worst for stahn too, because he wants to help leon more than anyone else in cerealia ever possibly could. but with the way things have been, they can't even carry on a conversation the way they used to.] Even us... even we don't get along the same. Nothing should have changed—You're still you, and I'm still me, so...
[why is it always so hard? why does everything end up being a fight now? he's not sure if he's sad or angry about this topic shift, honestly.]
[The words escape him before he can even think of stopping them, frustrated as he is by Stahn's words. He wasn't like this before? Yeah, he wasn't, it's true. Before, he'd had some hope that things would be alright. The last time Stahn had properly talked to him, Leon had believed that he could be more than he was, and he'd been a fool for it.
Everything had gone wrong from there, and the next time they'd spoken, it'd been across blades.
Now? Why should he want to be close to anyone now? He's firmly realized that there's no point to it--he's dead, and he will return to being dead soon enough. This is a temporary arrangement at best, so there's truly no point in expecting anything more from it. And even more than that... it's only caused trouble for everyone. For Marian--knowing him had almost gotten her killed. He'll never forget the sickening drop in his gut when he'd heard that she'd attempted to kill herself. Because of him.
And now? Here's Stahn, smile gone, attempting so hard to stick by him even though he has no reason to, even though it has caused Stahn only trouble, and Leon knows that he would be better off if he just gave up on it. But he doesn't.
Nobody does, and he...feels a little defeated by the thought, anger leaving in one big rush, even as his shoulders slump a little and he looks away.]
Do not...pretend as though you know all of my reasons for what I do and say. Don't act as though I am doing what I do for no reason at all. [That's offensive, really--an affront to him, who always does have reasons, even if they're not always sound ones.] I do not want to deal with this any longer.
[All of this...struggle over emotions and feelings. This difficult business of trying to understand how to interact with people when he doesn't get it at all. He's so tired, and sometimes, that bleeds through despite his best efforts, and it's bleeding through now, tone weary.]
The situation would be simpler if I were left alone.
[He'd be unbearably lonely, but it would still be so much simpler, and so much better for everyone involved; he truly believes that.]
[at first, stahn wants to channel his own anger, his own frustration—the many things he feels, the way he constantly bends to try and accommodate leon because he genuinely wants so much for leon.
he wants him to be comfortable, he wants him to have second chances, he wants him to have things to live for and reasons to push forward. everything went so wrong in the past, and it eats stahn alive constantly that things went as they did—that leon didn't trust him enough to come to him when things started going bad, that he shouldered burdens heavy enough to take on being a traitor to both his country and the world for the sake of one person he cares about, that in the end... stahn couldn't even save him even when leon clearly wanted to be saved.
leon didn't want to betray them. he wanted to leave with them, and if he had been able to, things would have been different. he could have avoided the worst of his fate of being branded a traitor because of hugo's manipulations. stahn knows that right to the end, leon wanted to try to right things, and that meant not pushing away his friends and fighting alongside them.
so for leon to be so adamant about how different things were while pushing everyone away—while pushing stahn away hurts him the most. because for stahn, all he wants to do is help his best friend, but he just continues to be useless and helpless every single time leon acts up, gets angry and pushes him away. they're at the point where they can't even have a comfortable conversation with things getting tense, and even though stahn had spilled a lot of his feelings to otome... he's reached the point where he can't hold back.
but the angry protest dies in his throat when leon continues to speak, because leon's own has slipped away. and stahn can hear it.
he can hear all the notes that leon tries to hold back.
he hears leon's exhaustion.
and moreover, he hears leon's loneliness.]
....
[he exhales quietly as he processes what's happening, what's being said. he can't even keep walking, because it's honestly a bit overwhelming. leon is so lonely, but he's trying to isolate himself further. he's trying to make sure nobody else gets hurt because his situation is so strange and fleeting.
it's like he's completely given up on life even though he's standing there breathing the same air, and it makes stahn's chest tighten in a way he can't quite understand. it hurts. it hurts him so much that he feels like he could die, because he doesn't know how to help. he's never been able to help leon, not once and it's the worst feeling.
he's the worst best friend, isn't he?
but all the sentiments expressed here and now, along with the building feelings of helplessness and sadness that have come from both his grieving back home and the trouble they've encountered in cerealia is breaking the dam wide open.
as ever, stahn acts on his emotions more than what his mind can process, and that's why he's suddenly closing a tense gap hat remains between them, pulling leon into a desperate hug with absolutely little regard for where they are or anything else. he knows deep down that he is crossing boundaries that leon has set—that leon hates being touched and this is the most inappropriate time. he can't stop himself from doing that, and what follows are some quiet, choked out words that still manage to be so fierce and full of conviction.]
I'm not going to leave you alone. As long as you're here, as long as you're breathing, I'm not going to leave you alone, Leon.
[his words are raw and sincere, and it comes from a place of loving his friend so much and wanting to do what little he can.
if all he can do is find a way to ease that loneliness? it's what he'll do. but stahn knows he can't give up, no matter how much leon protests. not now.]
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[stahn notices that, but he also notices the impatience. so stahn agrees without much of a fight, though he also doesn't look particularly excited about it like he normally would be.
clearly, this has affected them a lot more than either of them cares to admit. but stahn will still pull himself to his feet, still keeping a bit of distance and giving leon a curious look.]
...Are you feeling better now? [about his.. touch urges, at least. that's the implication here.]
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[Instant, immediate, but...also sincere enough. He's fine, and he's feeling more like himself, which is why Leon can ever come this close without bristling at all.]
So there is no need to dawdle.
[Or keep that unnecessary distance.]
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[it's a statement he means sincerely, even if that melancholy still hangs in his voice. it's less to do with what leon is saying and more what stahn has been feeling, but he's not thinking much about it himself.
instead, stahn is pulling himself to his feet.]
Is there somewhere you wanted to go? [he shifts the topic back to what leon initially propositioned him for—there's no reason to dwell on that other topic; he knows leon doesn't want to talk about that, anyway.]
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Not as such, no.
[You're being propositioned for a walk, Stahn.
Just a walk.
It's literally so aimless and anti-Leon, and yet here he is, offering up the suggestion while shifting uncomfortably, arms crossed defensively and not meeting Stahn's eyes.]
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[it's definitely weird, but... stahn isn't going to say no. and he's not going to call out how weird it is because...
well, leon is trying, isn't he? after everything that happened and how hard things have been for them, he's still taking the first step to try and fix things. he may not know what to do (and it shows), but it speaks volumes to stahn in every way imaginable.
there's a small smile that tugs at the corner of his mouth, because this is it. this is one of those times when stahn feels so justified in why he always staunchly believed in leon. this is why he's always called leon his best friend, and why even when the king of seinegald had labeled him a traitor, stahn still knew that leon was a good person who acted with purpose.
he isn't sure what will happen, or if this will somehow fix things... but it's a start, so stahn can't refuse it.]
That's fine. Wherever you go... I'll follow, then. [which really just means he'll let leon lead the walk, despite whatever meaning it may sound like otherwise.]
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But...at least it's a start, right? And it will get them out of this stifling atmosphere, which is important too.
Leon doesn't break the silence until they've hit the Cerealian sidewalks, and then, finally, he offers up a quiet--]
The amount of destruction caused by these robots is impressive. I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that yours were not prone to destructive tendencies.
[Since...Stahn isn't either.
This is the worst small talk but he's trying.]
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he knows it counts for something, so stahn himself has to try. he can't leave this all in leon's hands, especially when it's his own fault things had gotten so unbearably bad in every way. he's blaming himself plenty for the robots, but it's just as much that he could help with leon's problems that he feels terrible about things.]
Yeah. Though.. I think they were still destructive. It was just in a different way, wasn't it? [wanting to take leon's life, talk of going after his other friends—that still counts as being destructive, he thinks.]
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He can't argue that, seeing as how he was the subject of some of said destructive tendencies. Still, he doesn't see it being that big of a deal all around (even if, again, he knows better than to say so), and so he just makes a noncommittal, acknowledging noise at that.
Even so.]
Regardless. There were others that were certainly even more troublesome.
[So... IT COULD'VE BEEN WORSE?]
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[not that it makes things feel any better. they still went way too far, it still caused a lot of people pain, and to be frank—it's not really easy for him to forget the feeling of plunging dymlos through either of them.
even if they were just robots, it didn't feel good. it was still impactful and it still hurt him a lot to have to do.
it leaves him unsure of what to really say or do, not when he's truly still so uncomfortable with how everything happened.]
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He's quiet for a moment, before he tries again, expression frustrated--but it's less because of Stahn and more because of his own inability to do something as basic as create satisfactory small talk.]
...Regardless, that is over and done with. The others seem to be fine as well.
[.........................a heavy beat.]
... Not that I bothered to check on them, but they are loud, so it is impossible to not be aware...!
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he's been holding a lot in for leon's sake as much as his own. when the silence falls in the air, stahn sucks in a breath—he knows he should do better, he knows he should change the subject and set the conversation right. leon is trying, but he's not good at this sort of thing, and stahn knows it. it's unfair to him, isn't it? it's unfair to expect leon to carry the conversation when he's already done so much already to try and right what a messy situation they've gotten themselves into.
but before stahn can actually open his mouth to say anything, leon's begun to speak again and... so very quickly, he's fumbling.
—it's not really a bad thing, even if the brief laughter that comes is a bit at leon's expense. it does seem to brighten stahn up a bit, even if it's just because he knows leon cares about a lot of people a lot more than he admits.] It sounds like you've made a lot of friends, Leon.
[whether leon checked on them, or they checked on leon, it's a good thing.]
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For a period of time, things had been like that.
They're not anymore, Leon knows that much. But... that's not something so easily fixed. All he can do is keep trying.
He looks even more flustered and angry in equal parts at the laughter, but he simmers down a little when Stahn speaks--only to look flustered all over again.]
That is-- do not be ridiculous! I have done nothing of the sort! The people here are troublesome and a waste of my time!
[Uh huh.....]
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[stahn had been the one to do most of the checking in with his friends—and some of them he still hadn't even had a chance to speak to yet. but from the sound of it, leon spoke to enough people, whether of his own volition or not.
somehow that, of all things, seems to brighten stahn up just a little bit. it's genuinely relieving to see some kind of expression of care, that people in cerealia have gotten close enough to leon (even if it's not close enough for leon to see friendship in them) that they genuinely care about his well-being, or express their own state of being to keep leon from being concerned.
it's good.
it's really good, and it's one of the things stahn wants most for him.]
I think it's a good thing. [yeah, he's just ignoring that leon is saying that they're troublesome or wastes of time. he knows leon doesn't think that way of everyone in cerealia, after all.]
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Stahn says that and Leon instantly rebels against the thought. People caring about him here is not something he wants. He doesn't want people to care or get attached--not when he's dead, not when he never asked for that, not when he doesn't know how to handle it.
He frowns tightly.]
...Shut up. [But it's...not really said with a great deal of force.] I'm not interested in that, so do not make up something that is not happening. I am not making friends.
[Leon, Stahn didn't say anything about friendship that time.]
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[he's still not acknowledging the friendship line. to stahn, they go hand-in-hand, and he's sure that people like kashuu undoubtedly see leon as a friend in just the same way he does.
(okay, maybe not just the same, but still very similarly.)
still, he can't ignore what leon is saying, so he gives his own stance. his tone is quiet and gentle, more explanatory than anything meant to be scolding or condescending in any way.]
The people here are really kind, and most people just want to help each other. It's not easy for anyone here. Not for us... not for them, either. [everyone is struggling just the same.]
I think some people would be upset to hear you say that, though. You can say it to me if you want, but... people like Otome, I think it would hurt them. [by being so staunchly against the notion of people caring for him to the point that he'd make the accusation of it being made up—it's a little too much, even to stahn.]
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He doesn't like it.
Leon grimaces in response to that, looking away sharply. Otome would probably be hurt by it, yes. Maybe Kashuu, maybe Rise. He doesn't know. But he knows that he's not ready to acknowledge that fact even so. That people might care about him-- no.]
Very well then. [If they're hurt by it--then fine.] Even if it is as you say...that would only be for the better.
[If they don't like him anymore, if they're hurt by him, it'll be for the better.
(right?)]
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[it's hard for stahn to believe that. he knows that leon keeps people at arm's length, and he understands why. but he can't fathom the idea of thinking it's good, okay, or better somehow to intentionally cause hurt to them.]
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[That's snapped out immediately, and it's really the root of the problem. He keeps people at arm's length for so many reasons, but lately there's been another added to it--that people who stay by him get hurt. It's a recurring thing that he doesn't like, so if they're that soft...
They should stay away from him if they don't want to be hurt.]
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...That's not true at all. [stahn says that firmly, shaking his head. it's not a mentality stahn can stand behind in the least.]
You can't say people shouldn't be around you just because they care enough to be worried, or would be hurt by you being willing to hurt them.
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[So there!! He can too say it!!
But he's looking rather displeased by Stahn's insistence on this--probably unsurprisingly. He frowns tensely in response, giving Stahn the flattest possible look.]
Is that not reasonable? If they would be hurt by my actions, personality or beliefs, they should befriend someone else. It is quite clear that there are plenty of overly friendly, idiotically cheerful people here for them to inflict their company upon. They should simply leave me alone.
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["i care about you," remains unspoken, because it's a given. but when leon gets this staunchly aggressive in his word choice and makes it seem like the right thing to do is to somehow avoid him...
well, stahn can't abide by that. so maybe as they progress, he's projecting a little more of his own feeling onto this than intended. but stahn can't help it, not when it can be so downright frustrating to watch leon push his friends away just as he did back then. hadn't he learned anything from their experiences? didn't he want to grow at all?]
Trying to hurt people to keep them away... it doesn't work, Leon. You can't choose who cares about you.
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Why would they keep bothering?
He doesn't get it.]
They shouldn't. [They shouldn't care.] It is not my fault if they decide for some nonsensical reason to attach themselves to me! I have not changed my behavior [...Right? (No, he's changed, he just doesn't realize that he's gotten softer)] so if they insist on clinging even so, they should be well-aware of what they will receive in return from me.
[It's not fair, he thinks, that he's expected to be different just because people want to like him.]
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[this is aggravating. stahn tends to be fairly tolerant of leon's attitude, but the fact of the matter is that he's still going out of his way to be hurtful to others. doing so intentionally just to keep people at arm's length isn't something stahn will sit by and tolerate.
he's not saying leon needs to be close to those people, but stahn himself... he's tired of being pushed away. even when he does his best to respect leon's boundaries, it still feels like leon refuses to give him even an inch, and it's a serious regression from how things used to be.]
You weren't like this before. Back then... even when you were harsh, you had a good reason for it. You didn't say things you know would hurt people just so they would leave you alone.
[if nobody else is going to call leon on his shit, then stahn will do it himself. even if he hates doing it like this, and even if it's hurting him.
it's the worst for stahn too, because he wants to help leon more than anyone else in cerealia ever possibly could. but with the way things have been, they can't even carry on a conversation the way they used to.] Even us... even we don't get along the same. Nothing should have changed—You're still you, and I'm still me, so...
[why is it always so hard? why does everything end up being a fight now? he's not sure if he's sad or angry about this topic shift, honestly.]
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[The words escape him before he can even think of stopping them, frustrated as he is by Stahn's words. He wasn't like this before? Yeah, he wasn't, it's true. Before, he'd had some hope that things would be alright. The last time Stahn had properly talked to him, Leon had believed that he could be more than he was, and he'd been a fool for it.
Everything had gone wrong from there, and the next time they'd spoken, it'd been across blades.
Now? Why should he want to be close to anyone now? He's firmly realized that there's no point to it--he's dead, and he will return to being dead soon enough. This is a temporary arrangement at best, so there's truly no point in expecting anything more from it. And even more than that... it's only caused trouble for everyone. For Marian--knowing him had almost gotten her killed. He'll never forget the sickening drop in his gut when he'd heard that she'd attempted to kill herself. Because of him.
And now? Here's Stahn, smile gone, attempting so hard to stick by him even though he has no reason to, even though it has caused Stahn only trouble, and Leon knows that he would be better off if he just gave up on it. But he doesn't.
Nobody does, and he...feels a little defeated by the thought, anger leaving in one big rush, even as his shoulders slump a little and he looks away.]
Do not...pretend as though you know all of my reasons for what I do and say. Don't act as though I am doing what I do for no reason at all. [That's offensive, really--an affront to him, who always does have reasons, even if they're not always sound ones.] I do not want to deal with this any longer.
[All of this...struggle over emotions and feelings. This difficult business of trying to understand how to interact with people when he doesn't get it at all. He's so tired, and sometimes, that bleeds through despite his best efforts, and it's bleeding through now, tone weary.]
The situation would be simpler if I were left alone.
[He'd be unbearably lonely, but it would still be so much simpler, and so much better for everyone involved; he truly believes that.]
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he wants him to be comfortable, he wants him to have second chances, he wants him to have things to live for and reasons to push forward. everything went so wrong in the past, and it eats stahn alive constantly that things went as they did—that leon didn't trust him enough to come to him when things started going bad, that he shouldered burdens heavy enough to take on being a traitor to both his country and the world for the sake of one person he cares about, that in the end... stahn couldn't even save him even when leon clearly wanted to be saved.
leon didn't want to betray them. he wanted to leave with them, and if he had been able to, things would have been different. he could have avoided the worst of his fate of being branded a traitor because of hugo's manipulations. stahn knows that right to the end, leon wanted to try to right things, and that meant not pushing away his friends and fighting alongside them.
so for leon to be so adamant about how different things were while pushing everyone away—while pushing stahn away hurts him the most. because for stahn, all he wants to do is help his best friend, but he just continues to be useless and helpless every single time leon acts up, gets angry and pushes him away. they're at the point where they can't even have a comfortable conversation with things getting tense, and even though stahn had spilled a lot of his feelings to otome... he's reached the point where he can't hold back.
but the angry protest dies in his throat when leon continues to speak, because leon's own has slipped away. and stahn can hear it.
he can hear all the notes that leon tries to hold back.
he hears leon's exhaustion.
and moreover, he hears leon's loneliness.]
....
[he exhales quietly as he processes what's happening, what's being said. he can't even keep walking, because it's honestly a bit overwhelming. leon is so lonely, but he's trying to isolate himself further. he's trying to make sure nobody else gets hurt because his situation is so strange and fleeting.
it's like he's completely given up on life even though he's standing there breathing the same air, and it makes stahn's chest tighten in a way he can't quite understand. it hurts. it hurts him so much that he feels like he could die, because he doesn't know how to help. he's never been able to help leon, not once and it's the worst feeling.
he's the worst best friend, isn't he?
but all the sentiments expressed here and now, along with the building feelings of helplessness and sadness that have come from both his grieving back home and the trouble they've encountered in cerealia is breaking the dam wide open.
as ever, stahn acts on his emotions more than what his mind can process, and that's why he's suddenly closing a tense gap hat remains between them, pulling leon into a desperate hug with absolutely little regard for where they are or anything else. he knows deep down that he is crossing boundaries that leon has set—that leon hates being touched and this is the most inappropriate time. he can't stop himself from doing that, and what follows are some quiet, choked out words that still manage to be so fierce and full of conviction.]
I'm not going to leave you alone. As long as you're here, as long as you're breathing, I'm not going to leave you alone, Leon.
[his words are raw and sincere, and it comes from a place of loving his friend so much and wanting to do what little he can.
if all he can do is find a way to ease that loneliness? it's what he'll do. but stahn knows he can't give up, no matter how much leon protests. not now.]
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