[A brief nod - before she realizes that he can't see it.]
See you then.
[And then she hangs up!
The gardens normally set Lili at ease, however she's... not quite able to go near the pond just yet, so she'll be waiting on a bench. At least she's walked through this area enough now to stay away from the more dangerous and questionable parts - no there's just nice fragrances and pretty flowers to set the tone.
[The gardens aren't a place that Leon minds going to. They're too elaborate to really remind him of Marian, but at least they're not cold city--that helps.
It counts for something.
So he appears a few moments later, walking without an ounce of hesitation to where she's waiting.
He does hesitate a moment when he sees her there--and then he shrugs inwardly and sits next to her. And he'll wait.]
She knows this - she does. It's sort of why as she's thinking about how to explain what happened to her, she doesn't resist the urge to automatically pull her knees up to her chest on the bench, eyes focused on the ground.]
... There's no good way to explain this.
[She can't just start with it - she can't drop it on him that she died. She can't lead up to it, because it'll inevitably lead to him being uncomfortable when it's the exact same way that he died. There's another pause as she keeps trying, trying, trying...]
Thank you - for taking care of her, I'm sorry that I wasn't....
[There.
A pause, because that's the problem, isn't it? She wasn't there. If he understands that things happened, then perhaps it'll be easier to begin with that. To explain everything, start to finish, no pauses and hopefully - hopefully it'll be the best way to go about things... even though Lili has never idea what's best for anyone anymore, she thinks.
A breath in.]
We were underground... or at least - that's what I presume. It's no place I've seen before, and I think that the more sinister parts of this place can be found underneath... Someone in our group blasted a few holes in the walls and - it opened up a pathway.
[A pause, because honestly-]
It's pitiful. I don't have anything else to share besides that. There was nothing for me to discover, just - a poorly held pathway and the water below. [She almost rushes through the next part, not able to look at him, not moving her gaze from the sky - just as she craned her head trying to break the surface.] I've been around water all my life... but I couldn't break the surface - there was something pulling me down.
[ . . . Tears linger at the edges of her eyes but she tries so hard not to let them fall. Her throat is closing up, but she forces the last few words out, the ones that she finds most important.]
[She doesn't have to say the rest, because he knows.
He knows as soon as she speaks. She died, of course--he knew that already. He hadn't wanted to believe it, but deep down he'd known, just as Otome had. Lili hadn't returned, so she was dead.
And she'd died in that way.
Leon can still remember the water closing over his head, the way he hadn't been able to breathe at all, the feeling of slowly suffocating to death as he tried to breathe and inhaled nothing but water--but he hadn't tried to escape. He hadn't tried to swim away, or save himself.
He can't even imagine how scary it might have been to try to save herself, and still not be able to. To try to swim, and be dragged down even so.
Quietly, he sighs, eyes sliding shut.]
...Are you all right?
[He doesn't even know what to say--where to begin. But...he has to ask, honestly. It's a lot, dying like that.
[There's an instinctive need to say "I'm fine" and to keep repeating the lie that she's been telling herself - but she had promised Leon, hadn't she? No lies. It's more of a point of pride, because she refuses to break such a promise even now. So she reaches up to wipe her own tears away, taking a moment to calm herself so she doesn't erupt into tears.]
... I want to be.
[More than anything.]
But it's... not as easy as I'd hoped. [Dying is difficult. Coming to terms with it and her own weakness is difficult. Realizing that there are people that she doesn't want to leave behind is just as difficult.] You'd think that'd be obvious, but I foolishly thought...
[ . . . . a shake of her head.]
Even so, I... I grew up around the water. My work at home is centered around port towns. Even the recent bout in ViViD made me realize that nothing calms me more than the ocean. [Water is her solace. Her saving grace. It just so happened to also take her life. Though even now the mentions of the things that she once loved make her tense, her fingers curling.] If I let this place take that away from me.... isn't that allowing them to win?
[He can't blame her for not being okay--not after something like that. He totally understands it more than anything. The feeling of being that helpless... he hadn't been fond of the water even before that had happened to him, but she was, it's her love and her homeland, and...]
Do not allow them to take that away from you.
[He shakes his head immediately, hands clenching slowly into fists. It's not easy. It's difficult, and hard, and Leon hasn't been able to do it either--
But.
He did say Lili should learn to be better than him.
And she's still alive back home, presumably, so she still has that chance.]
Regardless of what happened here...what remains for you in your own world is what truly matters. And there, you have not died like this. There, you are still breathing, just as you are here.
[In theory, she knows that there's still time for her. They'd only said that she would be taken to the execution grounds and though she was once fearful of those implications, they seem so far away now that she can recognize that perhaps it was just a merciful way of buying time rather than killing her right then and there.
... well. "Merciful."
There's a pause as she balls her hands into fists against the park bench, her gaze turning thoughtful.]
Is it.... bad? That I - I'd thought that I couldn't be better than you. In general I still don't know if I can....
[If that's even possible for someone like her, but-]
But even I gave up for a moment there... Maybe I shouldn't have.
[It takes Leon a moment to respond, even as he avoids looking at her, instead staring out into the garden. Honestly? He's not good at this. He can't offer comfort, and she should've spoken to Stahn instead, or Otome. He can't really give her what she needs here, because all he knows how to do is speak what he sees as the truth.
Which is what he does now.]
You... stated that no matter how hard you tried, there was something pulling you down. That due to that, you could not break the surface.
[Lili couldn't save herself--but ironically, that's what Leon thinks makes her stronger. There's a slight, wry twist to his expression, but otherwise, he's surprisingly calm and blank.]
That means that until the end, you were fighting to live.
[It's hard to admit this even now, and he hates that he has to, but it's the truth and right now he's committed.
He's Leon Magnus, and he doesn't do things halfway, even when those things are speaking about this.]
... That makes you stronger than me, when it comes to this.
[Because Leon had just...given up. He didn't try to save himself at all, and that's the difference. And maybe... maybe he gets why Stahn gets so upset when Leon doesn't strive to live here, when he thinks of it like that, because in a lot of ways, that's being weak and running away...and maybe he should also be trying to be better.]
Yet she finds herself hurt by this truth, her eyes widening even as she fixates her gaze to the ground. Her shoulders curl inward, her entire body wanting to curl inward, and she takes measured breaths as if that would help her be able to parse through this.
Even if she'd seen it herself, seen the way that Leon had given up when facing his death, it's something else to hear it from his lips. Perhaps not for the first time, but even repetition doesn't quite manage to take the sting away.]
If -
[If you were in my position is too cruel. She stops herself before she finishes.]
He's honestly a little surprised by Lili's reaction. He'd thought it was a positive thing. She was concerned about being stronger than him still, wasn't she? But this makes it clear. She still is. Regardless of what happened, she is still fighting, and she is still strong.
She is still enough.
And she should never doubt that.
Because Leon doesn't know if he'd fight against it even now, if that was what came to be. If he had to die.... perhaps that would be as it should be.
He's not supposed to be alive anyway.]
... I fail to see how that is any of your business. Regardless, I would not be in that situation again, so it does not matter.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
but anyway.
Right.]
If you insist, I suppose I could make time. [wtf leon you're not doing anything, shut up]
no subject
.... Then the gardens first, and then lunch.
[Because she really doesn't want to discuss this with him over a nice meal... That could totally ruin the meal.]
no subject
[A soft sigh, and--]
I will be there in fifteen minutes.
no subject
See you then.
[And then she hangs up!
The gardens normally set Lili at ease, however she's... not quite able to go near the pond just yet, so she'll be waiting on a bench. At least she's walked through this area enough now to stay away from the more dangerous and questionable parts - no there's just nice fragrances and pretty flowers to set the tone.
For a death talk.
Nice.]
no subject
It counts for something.
So he appears a few moments later, walking without an ounce of hesitation to where she's waiting.
He does hesitate a moment when he sees her there--and then he shrugs inwardly and sits next to her. And he'll wait.]
no subject
She knows this - she does. It's sort of why as she's thinking about how to explain what happened to her, she doesn't resist the urge to automatically pull her knees up to her chest on the bench, eyes focused on the ground.]
... There's no good way to explain this.
[She can't just start with it - she can't drop it on him that she died. She can't lead up to it, because it'll inevitably lead to him being uncomfortable when it's the exact same way that he died. There's another pause as she keeps trying, trying, trying...]
Have you spoken to anyone else who disappeared?
no subject
He knows.
He doesn't know for sure, of course--he's not psychic. But Otome was gone for a few hours at best, and so were the others.
Lili was gone for 3 days. It's standard, almost--the period of time that CERES chooses to use to fuck with them.]
Yes. Otome was gone for a period of a few hours before returning. She was unwell, but otherwise unharmed.
[...]
Unlike you.
[He knows.]
no subject
Thank you - for taking care of her, I'm sorry that I wasn't....
[There.
A pause, because that's the problem, isn't it? She wasn't there. If he understands that things happened, then perhaps it'll be easier to begin with that. To explain everything, start to finish, no pauses and hopefully - hopefully it'll be the best way to go about things... even though Lili has never idea what's best for anyone anymore, she thinks.
A breath in.]
We were underground... or at least - that's what I presume. It's no place I've seen before, and I think that the more sinister parts of this place can be found underneath... Someone in our group blasted a few holes in the walls and - it opened up a pathway.
[A pause, because honestly-]
It's pitiful. I don't have anything else to share besides that. There was nothing for me to discover, just - a poorly held pathway and the water below. [She almost rushes through the next part, not able to look at him, not moving her gaze from the sky - just as she craned her head trying to break the surface.] I've been around water all my life... but I couldn't break the surface - there was something pulling me down.
[ . . . Tears linger at the edges of her eyes but she tries so hard not to let them fall. Her throat is closing up, but she forces the last few words out, the ones that she finds most important.]
But I'm here.
no subject
He knows as soon as she speaks. She died, of course--he knew that already. He hadn't wanted to believe it, but deep down he'd known, just as Otome had. Lili hadn't returned, so she was dead.
And she'd died in that way.
Leon can still remember the water closing over his head, the way he hadn't been able to breathe at all, the feeling of slowly suffocating to death as he tried to breathe and inhaled nothing but water--but he hadn't tried to escape. He hadn't tried to swim away, or save himself.
He can't even imagine how scary it might have been to try to save herself, and still not be able to. To try to swim, and be dragged down even so.
Quietly, he sighs, eyes sliding shut.]
...Are you all right?
[He doesn't even know what to say--where to begin. But...he has to ask, honestly. It's a lot, dying like that.
He should know.]
no subject
... I want to be.
[More than anything.]
But it's... not as easy as I'd hoped. [Dying is difficult. Coming to terms with it and her own weakness is difficult. Realizing that there are people that she doesn't want to leave behind is just as difficult.] You'd think that'd be obvious, but I foolishly thought...
[ . . . . a shake of her head.]
Even so, I... I grew up around the water. My work at home is centered around port towns. Even the recent bout in ViViD made me realize that nothing calms me more than the ocean. [Water is her solace. Her saving grace. It just so happened to also take her life. Though even now the mentions of the things that she once loved make her tense, her fingers curling.] If I let this place take that away from me.... isn't that allowing them to win?
no subject
Do not allow them to take that away from you.
[He shakes his head immediately, hands clenching slowly into fists. It's not easy. It's difficult, and hard, and Leon hasn't been able to do it either--
But.
He did say Lili should learn to be better than him.
And she's still alive back home, presumably, so she still has that chance.]
Regardless of what happened here...what remains for you in your own world is what truly matters. And there, you have not died like this. There, you are still breathing, just as you are here.
So there is no reason to allow them to win.
no subject
[In theory, she knows that there's still time for her. They'd only said that she would be taken to the execution grounds and though she was once fearful of those implications, they seem so far away now that she can recognize that perhaps it was just a merciful way of buying time rather than killing her right then and there.
... well. "Merciful."
There's a pause as she balls her hands into fists against the park bench, her gaze turning thoughtful.]
Is it.... bad? That I - I'd thought that I couldn't be better than you. In general I still don't know if I can....
[If that's even possible for someone like her, but-]
But even I gave up for a moment there... Maybe I shouldn't have.
no subject
Which is what he does now.]
You... stated that no matter how hard you tried, there was something pulling you down. That due to that, you could not break the surface.
[Lili couldn't save herself--but ironically, that's what Leon thinks makes her stronger. There's a slight, wry twist to his expression, but otherwise, he's surprisingly calm and blank.]
That means that until the end, you were fighting to live.
[It's hard to admit this even now, and he hates that he has to, but it's the truth and right now he's committed.
He's Leon Magnus, and he doesn't do things halfway, even when those things are speaking about this.]
... That makes you stronger than me, when it comes to this.
[Because Leon had just...given up. He didn't try to save himself at all, and that's the difference. And maybe... maybe he gets why Stahn gets so upset when Leon doesn't strive to live here, when he thinks of it like that, because in a lot of ways, that's being weak and running away...and maybe he should also be trying to be better.]
no subject
Yet she finds herself hurt by this truth, her eyes widening even as she fixates her gaze to the ground. Her shoulders curl inward, her entire body wanting to curl inward, and she takes measured breaths as if that would help her be able to parse through this.
Even if she'd seen it herself, seen the way that Leon had given up when facing his death, it's something else to hear it from his lips. Perhaps not for the first time, but even repetition doesn't quite manage to take the sting away.]
If -
[If you were in my position is too cruel. She stops herself before she finishes.]
... You'd fight against it now, wouldn't you?
[Right?]
no subject
He's honestly a little surprised by Lili's reaction. He'd thought it was a positive thing. She was concerned about being stronger than him still, wasn't she? But this makes it clear. She still is. Regardless of what happened, she is still fighting, and she is still strong.
She is still enough.
And she should never doubt that.
Because Leon doesn't know if he'd fight against it even now, if that was what came to be. If he had to die.... perhaps that would be as it should be.
He's not supposed to be alive anyway.]
... I fail to see how that is any of your business. Regardless, I would not be in that situation again, so it does not matter.
[Probably.
And if he is.... then that's that.]