I know. I already know I have to go back there... that I have things to do.... that I'm a Swordian Master and I can abandon my duty to that.
[there's no a shred of hesitation there. even if stahn doesn't make this acknowledgment happily—he already knows to be true. he's not trying to run away from his duties, even if the literal weight of the world is so crushing and his responsibilities are something he still isn't completely equipped to handle.]
I'm not pretending otherwise. [it's a little insulting that leon insinuates that he is. stahn's ideas can be a little half-baked, and even now it isn't as if he has some kind of solid plan for what he wants to do.
but there are some things stahn knows—things that weigh on him just as constantly as his duties do, and maybe that's because to him, it's just another duty. helping a friend—helping his best friend, isn't that one of the most important duties he can have?]
I'm not going to let you go back to... that. [being dead, but stahn won't say those words.]
Even... even if it's not our home, even if that's not possible... there has to be somewhere else.
[he pauses, and his whole body tenses; stahn bites his lip and he realizes that everything he feels... everything he wants to do isn't coming out of his mouth the right way. leon isn't going to take him seriously like this. leon is just going to brush it off as another impossibility if he can't convey his intentions.
but it's hard for stahn, because he's bad at this kind of thing. he's not the smartest, and so much of what he innately wants to do gets lost somewhere between brain and mouth.]
Is it the same... is it leaving you behind if I find a place for you? If there's somewhere you can live and start over again? If there's somewhere that you don't have to hold on to all of those terrible things?
[stahn closes his eyes, and his head dips—it's hard for him to hold onto his composure when he's so desperate to help leon and give him a chance to be happy.]
Even if I can't be there... I think that would be better. For you to live—I would feel better, too.
[he would be able to rest easier knowing that leon could live for himself and find things to be happy about than for him to spend an eternity in the sea, having succumbed to a terrible fate.]
Until then... I won't leave. I don't... I don't want to leave you behind—once was enough. I won't do that again. [there's a heavy guilt he still carries for not being able to save leon. even if it was leon's choice. even if he would chose to do it again.
he was helpless to do anything for leon before, so he's determined to do something for him this time, even if he doesn't know how yet. besides, if he can do that much, won't it be like he's still with leon in some way?
stahn isn't sure, but he wants to believe that.
or maybe he's just being completely selfish, but the whole situation had always been unfair to him.]
no subject
[there's no a shred of hesitation there. even if stahn doesn't make this acknowledgment happily—he already knows to be true. he's not trying to run away from his duties, even if the literal weight of the world is so crushing and his responsibilities are something he still isn't completely equipped to handle.]
I'm not pretending otherwise. [it's a little insulting that leon insinuates that he is. stahn's ideas can be a little half-baked, and even now it isn't as if he has some kind of solid plan for what he wants to do.
but there are some things stahn knows—things that weigh on him just as constantly as his duties do, and maybe that's because to him, it's just another duty. helping a friend—helping his best friend, isn't that one of the most important duties he can have?]
I'm not going to let you go back to... that. [being dead, but stahn won't say those words.]
Even... even if it's not our home, even if that's not possible... there has to be somewhere else.
[he pauses, and his whole body tenses; stahn bites his lip and he realizes that everything he feels... everything he wants to do isn't coming out of his mouth the right way. leon isn't going to take him seriously like this. leon is just going to brush it off as another impossibility if he can't convey his intentions.
but it's hard for stahn, because he's bad at this kind of thing. he's not the smartest, and so much of what he innately wants to do gets lost somewhere between brain and mouth.]
Is it the same... is it leaving you behind if I find a place for you? If there's somewhere you can live and start over again? If there's somewhere that you don't have to hold on to all of those terrible things?
[stahn closes his eyes, and his head dips—it's hard for him to hold onto his composure when he's so desperate to help leon and give him a chance to be happy.]
Even if I can't be there... I think that would be better. For you to live—I would feel better, too.
[he would be able to rest easier knowing that leon could live for himself and find things to be happy about than for him to spend an eternity in the sea, having succumbed to a terrible fate.]
Until then... I won't leave. I don't... I don't want to leave you behind—once was enough. I won't do that again. [there's a heavy guilt he still carries for not being able to save leon. even if it was leon's choice. even if he would chose to do it again.
he was helpless to do anything for leon before, so he's determined to do something for him this time, even if he doesn't know how yet. besides, if he can do that much, won't it be like he's still with leon in some way?
stahn isn't sure, but he wants to believe that.
or maybe he's just being completely selfish, but the whole situation had always been unfair to him.]