[at first, stahn wants to channel his own anger, his own frustration—the many things he feels, the way he constantly bends to try and accommodate leon because he genuinely wants so much for leon.
he wants him to be comfortable, he wants him to have second chances, he wants him to have things to live for and reasons to push forward. everything went so wrong in the past, and it eats stahn alive constantly that things went as they did—that leon didn't trust him enough to come to him when things started going bad, that he shouldered burdens heavy enough to take on being a traitor to both his country and the world for the sake of one person he cares about, that in the end... stahn couldn't even save him even when leon clearly wanted to be saved.
leon didn't want to betray them. he wanted to leave with them, and if he had been able to, things would have been different. he could have avoided the worst of his fate of being branded a traitor because of hugo's manipulations. stahn knows that right to the end, leon wanted to try to right things, and that meant not pushing away his friends and fighting alongside them.
so for leon to be so adamant about how different things were while pushing everyone away—while pushing stahn away hurts him the most. because for stahn, all he wants to do is help his best friend, but he just continues to be useless and helpless every single time leon acts up, gets angry and pushes him away. they're at the point where they can't even have a comfortable conversation with things getting tense, and even though stahn had spilled a lot of his feelings to otome... he's reached the point where he can't hold back.
but the angry protest dies in his throat when leon continues to speak, because leon's own has slipped away. and stahn can hear it.
he can hear all the notes that leon tries to hold back.
he hears leon's exhaustion.
and moreover, he hears leon's loneliness.]
....
[he exhales quietly as he processes what's happening, what's being said. he can't even keep walking, because it's honestly a bit overwhelming. leon is so lonely, but he's trying to isolate himself further. he's trying to make sure nobody else gets hurt because his situation is so strange and fleeting.
it's like he's completely given up on life even though he's standing there breathing the same air, and it makes stahn's chest tighten in a way he can't quite understand. it hurts. it hurts him so much that he feels like he could die, because he doesn't know how to help. he's never been able to help leon, not once and it's the worst feeling.
he's the worst best friend, isn't he?
but all the sentiments expressed here and now, along with the building feelings of helplessness and sadness that have come from both his grieving back home and the trouble they've encountered in cerealia is breaking the dam wide open.
as ever, stahn acts on his emotions more than what his mind can process, and that's why he's suddenly closing a tense gap hat remains between them, pulling leon into a desperate hug with absolutely little regard for where they are or anything else. he knows deep down that he is crossing boundaries that leon has set—that leon hates being touched and this is the most inappropriate time. he can't stop himself from doing that, and what follows are some quiet, choked out words that still manage to be so fierce and full of conviction.]
I'm not going to leave you alone. As long as you're here, as long as you're breathing, I'm not going to leave you alone, Leon.
[his words are raw and sincere, and it comes from a place of loving his friend so much and wanting to do what little he can.
if all he can do is find a way to ease that loneliness? it's what he'll do. but stahn knows he can't give up, no matter how much leon protests. not now.]
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he wants him to be comfortable, he wants him to have second chances, he wants him to have things to live for and reasons to push forward. everything went so wrong in the past, and it eats stahn alive constantly that things went as they did—that leon didn't trust him enough to come to him when things started going bad, that he shouldered burdens heavy enough to take on being a traitor to both his country and the world for the sake of one person he cares about, that in the end... stahn couldn't even save him even when leon clearly wanted to be saved.
leon didn't want to betray them. he wanted to leave with them, and if he had been able to, things would have been different. he could have avoided the worst of his fate of being branded a traitor because of hugo's manipulations. stahn knows that right to the end, leon wanted to try to right things, and that meant not pushing away his friends and fighting alongside them.
so for leon to be so adamant about how different things were while pushing everyone away—while pushing stahn away hurts him the most. because for stahn, all he wants to do is help his best friend, but he just continues to be useless and helpless every single time leon acts up, gets angry and pushes him away. they're at the point where they can't even have a comfortable conversation with things getting tense, and even though stahn had spilled a lot of his feelings to otome... he's reached the point where he can't hold back.
but the angry protest dies in his throat when leon continues to speak, because leon's own has slipped away. and stahn can hear it.
he can hear all the notes that leon tries to hold back.
he hears leon's exhaustion.
and moreover, he hears leon's loneliness.]
....
[he exhales quietly as he processes what's happening, what's being said. he can't even keep walking, because it's honestly a bit overwhelming. leon is so lonely, but he's trying to isolate himself further. he's trying to make sure nobody else gets hurt because his situation is so strange and fleeting.
it's like he's completely given up on life even though he's standing there breathing the same air, and it makes stahn's chest tighten in a way he can't quite understand. it hurts. it hurts him so much that he feels like he could die, because he doesn't know how to help. he's never been able to help leon, not once and it's the worst feeling.
he's the worst best friend, isn't he?
but all the sentiments expressed here and now, along with the building feelings of helplessness and sadness that have come from both his grieving back home and the trouble they've encountered in cerealia is breaking the dam wide open.
as ever, stahn acts on his emotions more than what his mind can process, and that's why he's suddenly closing a tense gap hat remains between them, pulling leon into a desperate hug with absolutely little regard for where they are or anything else. he knows deep down that he is crossing boundaries that leon has set—that leon hates being touched and this is the most inappropriate time. he can't stop himself from doing that, and what follows are some quiet, choked out words that still manage to be so fierce and full of conviction.]
I'm not going to leave you alone. As long as you're here, as long as you're breathing, I'm not going to leave you alone, Leon.
[his words are raw and sincere, and it comes from a place of loving his friend so much and wanting to do what little he can.
if all he can do is find a way to ease that loneliness? it's what he'll do. but stahn knows he can't give up, no matter how much leon protests. not now.]